One Safe Place

JD Vernon

2011-12-19T15:42:00.003-05:00

Breathtaking. As I dive deeper into the past of Bon Iver's Justin Vernon, I am rewarded with these finds daily. It's as if I can't read enough articles about him. Listening to him sing in my ear all day does not satiate me. I'm enamored with his music, his voice, his fingers on the piano keys. It's been a long, long time since I felt this close to a musical artist. These rare song finds, sometimes listed under pseudonyms or various band names, make me feel like I've struck gold when I come across them. That makes the sound that much sweeter, that much more clutching.

Happy Birthday

2011-11-12T12:28:00.004-05:00

Happy Birthday to One Safe Place.

Today marks 5 years since the start of this blog. I know I don't post as often as I should, and I can't make any promises, but I'm hoping to start posting entries a little more often.

Hope you are all well!

Not-So-Happy-Valley

2011-11-09T14:09:00.002-05:00

I want to comment on the heinous new/grand jury report that was announced on Sunday. Growing up in Delaware, a few hours from Penn State, I know a good number of people who are connected to the university. I have many friends, including a good friend from high school, who graduated from Penn State. I also know a lot of people through the Y who live in the State College area. This child sex abuse scandal is really hitting home for me... it's showing up all over my FB newsfeed, and is being discussed all around me. And I'm having a really hard time hearing what some of these people are saying. The urgent jump to defend the University and Joe Paterno seems a little strange to me. My friend S (who lives and works in the State College area) put it best in her status on Facebook last night:

I guess at this point, and maybe because I did not attend school or grow up here, but I feel pride is not an emotion that should have a place in our immediate discussions. Perhaps soon, but for now, I worry less about Joe Paterno and Penn State and more about how those innocent children and their families feel when they hear or see somebody defending or supporting the institution and those involved.

That's exactly how I feel as well. Maybe its the social work/child-centered part of me that makes me feel this way. It was announced this morning that Joe Paterno will be retiring at the end of the season (the man is 84 years old anyway). While I understand how many are feeling that "this is not how it was supposed to happen", I think that entirely too much attention is being given to him. Students at Penn State are rioting, with picket signs and everything! Calling for him to stay. I'm in no place to judge whether or not Joe Paterno should stay or go. I do have my opinion of whether I believe he acted right or wrong, legally and morally - I think that yes, he acted legally correctly IN THE MINIMALIST OF WAYS, as in, he could have done so much more. But morally... morally, he was 100% in the wrong. No questions. And he will have to live with that for the rest of his life. He could have saved a handful of kids (or more... the number of victims has doubled since Sunday, with more potential victims coming forward everyday since the news was announced) from the heartache and horror of sexual abuse, had he initially gone to the police when the situation was presented to him.

Yes, I do believe that Jerry Sandusky is the abuser, the bad guy, the evil one. But, those who knew something was going on and did not go directly to police? Curley, Schultz, Paterno, the janitor who witnessed the shower incident, the superior he reported it to who kept his mouth shut, and especially the eyewitness, the graduate assistant MaQueary. Those people are the ones who are going to have to look at themselves in the mirror every day for the rest of their lives and see the reflection of someone who KNEW, who KNEW and allowed a grown man to abuse his power and status for many years and corrupt innocent children, altering their lives forever. There is one question I just keep asking myself. How did not a single person go to the police with this information? I also wonder just how many people knew... it had to be a lot more than just those 5 or 6 men.

So, with so many people not going to the police with such a pressing, devastating, life altering matter, one has to question, why? As I posted on my Facebook status, with a link to an interesting article in the NY Times today, the sense of secrecy must have been fueled by something. The urge to protect the prestige of the program, the money flow (Penn State brings in millions of dollars each year from football games), salaries and pensions, and the good name that Penn State has in our country and with college football fans. The 'Grandfather of College Athletics' as JoePa is often referred to, obviously wanted minimal tarnish to his program's name, a program that he has been in charge of for 45 years. And covering it up at the cost of children and their innocence is beyond me...totally beyond me.

Everyone is so worked up about it. People have all these opinions and, as with most high profile sex abuse scandals, the attention is being thrown to the wrong places. In my opinion, these nameless boys that have come forward and bravely given information about their abuser are the ones who deserve our attention and our support. Not Penn State Athletics, and certainly not the Coach-God who knew that it was happening and did not do enough to stop it.

How do these boys feel right now? Yes, their abuser will receive punishment for his crimes. But, showing support for the man who didn't do enough, who could have done so much more... that's embarrassing. The message being sent it, "It wasn't okay for Jerry Sandusky to abuse you, but it was okay for Joe Pa to know about it and let it happen".

The least that can be done is to turn the support those nameless boys who have come forward. They are the victims.

Not an 84 year old football coach who may be forced to retire from his job.

Support the real victims in this case.

Tunes

2011-11-02T11:48:00.005-05:00

Thought I'd post a playlist of songs I've been into lately. Rach - if you read this, don't download any of them until after you get my package!

As of 11/2

Iron & Wine - Flightless Bird, American Mouth
Birdy - Skinny Love (yes, this is a Bon Iver song...people get so upset that anyone covers Bon Iver. I can see why, as this is the only girl I've ever heard do any of his songs justice.)
James Vincent McMorrow - Higher Love
The Middle East - Blood
Foster the People - Helena Beat
The Head and the Heart - Down in the Valley
Bon Iver - I Can't Make You Love Me
Noah and the Whale - 5 years Time
Rihanna - We Found Love
Matt & Kim - Good for Great
Billy Bragg & Wilco - At My Window Sad and Lonely
Bon Iver - Holocene
Ray LaMontagne - Jolene

Kind of reflects my mood when I'm actually listening to music these days - mellow stuff for while I'm at work getting things done. Oh, except for the Rihanna song. That's just for dancing in my chair when I'm alone in my office.

This has to be one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. For some reason, the soft saxophone (or clarinet, can't tell - any instrument inclined people out there?) during the buildup of the chorus stirs up really deep emotions inside. I still get chills when I listen to it. And the music video is just as beautiful:

Wonderful song - can't wait to see these guys live someday:

Another great tune - it picks up about halfway through:

If anyone actually reads this anymore, I'd love to hear what you've been listening to lately.

Please Watch.

2011-10-10T17:13:00.001-05:00

Update: September 13, 2011

2011-09-13T21:57:00.002-05:00

I got a new job... It's with the Graduate School of Education at a university in Cambridge. I'm excited to be working at a university and really looking forward to jumping back into research. Also, we are moving. If there was a contest over who could move the most times in a 12 month period, I would win. But, we're going to live in Cambridge, in the middle of all the action. 3 blocks from the T, and a 15 minute bus ride from Harvard Sq, so getting to work will be super easy. Also, our apartment is enormous. It's almost twice the size of our 430 sq. ft. current apartment.

I am saddened and disappointed by the passing of the Gay Marriage Ban by the House and Senate in the state of North Carolina (to be put on the May 2012 polls for a public vote). I have a feeling that I know how that is going to end up.

Sadly, I know many gay and lesbian families in North Carolina - I lived there for 5 years. It's heartbreaking to see how this is going to affect them. This amendment would also ban domestic partners from using each others' health insurance benefits. Sickening.

To end this on a good note - I joined a women's lacrosse league and a book club in order to start meeting more people in Boston and to get back in shape. They both start next week... I'm incredibly out of shape, as I haven't exercised regularly since rugby ended in the spring of 2010. It should be fun... I hope.

iPhone

2011-08-16T22:57:00.004-05:00

I am in constant amazement of the capabilities of my iPhone camera. I often carry only my phone if I don't feel like lugging my camera bag because I know I'll be able to use it and get results that I am pleased with.

There are a ton of camera apps out there that enhance photos and while I do agree that a little photo touching up is certainly acceptable, it really seems like a lot of times iPhone photos are almost enhanced too much. (I am completely guilty of this sometimes!)

Hillary gifted me an app tonight that I'd been considering buying... a friend of hers at work uses it and recently submitted some of his photos into a contest. It's a very interactive app, and not one you would use to whip out your camera and snap that quick photo of someone doing something funny. It's more of a "let's test out these different lenses/films/flashes." Instead of post-processing your phone photos, you're applying "settings" beforehand. This app made me want to go out and test everything out in different lighting, different surroundings... it made me feel like I had a new camera! Which is silly because... dun duh-duhh! It's a $0.99 application on a phone.

Oh well. At least it's making me feel happy.

First Collection of Diana+ Photos

2011-07-21T18:07:00.004-05:00

When my beautiful, Parisian Diana F+ was shattered on St. Patrick's Day by a drunken man who was only trying to help, a little piece of my heart shattered with it. When the camera broke, the film escaped and I watched it fly up in to the air, exposing everything to the light. Photos of Kylie. Photos of Sydney. Photos of Boston. Gone to the daylight. I was devastated. It was my very first roll of film I'd loaded into the camera.

So, the night before my birthday, the day we moved... I was beyond SHOCKED to receive as an early birthday present from Hillary - The Diana F+ Deluxe Kit! It was gorgeous... I took out each piece and examined them all separately, reading the separate manuals for each lens. All of the little pieces and accessories were like magic, the excitement was like Christmas Morning as a 9 year old.

I've been shooting with the manual, plastic camera for a few months now. Photography is something I love, and the feeling of picking up photos from a developer takes me back to days when we all used film instead of digital cameras. Getting that little sealed envelope back was more exciting than watching your photos load onto your computer.

Here is a collection of my favorites so far:

Finally!

2010-12-27T17:52:00.000-05:00

Kylie Sienna Purse
Born December 13, 2010
7 lbs 13 oz

I am in love.

Eliminated

2010-09-28T19:49:00.005-05:00

I've been meaning to write about my new job at the YMCA for a few days now. Last week I trained and filled out all of my paperwork. Yesterday was my first official day, and I absolutely loved it. The kids were awesome, bright and fun, my coworkers are really cool, and I was actually given a bunch of extra responsibilities so that I could be making even more money. I finally was starting to feel like things were going to stabilize... no more laying at home during the day, feeling inadequate and ashamed and ignoring phone calls from friends. I left my first day of work yesterday feeling on top of the world.

SO, when I went into work today and was sat down and told that my position was eliminated at a budget meeting earlier in the morning, I left 5 minutes later feeling a little more than devastated.

It's back to the drawing board. Back to Craigslist and Idealist and all of those other websites that I gleefully deleted off of my bookmarks bar just last week.

I feel like a little kid who was given a brand new toy and then immediately had it taken away.

Driving in Boston A.K.A. Co-Mingling with Mad Men.

2010-09-14T14:11:00.006-05:00

The people in Boston are great. Everyone is friendly (for the most part), lots of dog lovers and liberal-types. However, some sort of transformation happens to these people. And it happens when they unlock their cars and take a seat behind the wheel. It's as if the minute they click their seatbelt, they morph into some other type of being. From behind their Dunkin Donuts coffee cups, they turn into ruthless, honking, impatient 2 year olds, quick to throw a trantrum when they don't get their right-of-way. Therefore, I present to you:

Things I have learned since moving to Boston, in regards to driving.

1. Avoid it at all costs.
2. When you're at a red light, the car across the intersection going the opposite way will ALWAYS bang a left when the light changes to green, so when it does change, pause before you hit the gas.
3. This will undoubtedly cause the driver behind you to begin honking at you for not immediately flooring it.
4. Everyone honks at EVERYTHING. Don't get too offended.
5. People tend to just slow down when they're in the right lane. You see their brake lights, slow down behind them and wonder, "Are they breaking down?" "Are they lost?" "Are they about to pull into that parking spot?" No... usually, they are making a right hand turn without signaling.
6. Everybody in Boston must have a broken turn signal.
7. These rules also apply to bus drivers, minus number 5.
8. On average, you will get cut off about once every 60 seconds. Get used to it, and expect it.
9. It takes double the amount of time to get anywhere. Triple if it's 8am or 5-6pm.
10. You will be horribly judged for having out of state plates. Even if your driving skills are superb.
11. Don't park ANYWHERE the sign says you're not allowed to. Even for 10 minutes. The parking police are either on crack or aliens... how are they so fast?!
12. A two-lane road will never actually look like it's two lanes, as there are NEVER any lines to divide them. So, assume that all roads are two lanes, since everyone else does.
13. Traffic circles are alive and well... don't wait too long to enter them, just shove your way in, before the driver behind you gets antsy. See #3 and #4.
14. Always check the Red Sox schedule before driving anywhere near Fenway Park or its surrounding neighborhoods.
15. Keep xanax on hand, have good car insurance, and say a prayer before you pull out of the driveway!!

words

2010-08-31T13:42:00.001-05:00

"i love you.

and i believe in you.

patience.

not everything is money.

it sure as hell makes things easier, but it's definitely not everything that makes me happy."

just as quickly as words can bring me down, words can bring me up higher than i thought possible. these were the only words i needed to hear today. i am so lucky.

Camera

2010-08-30T07:59:00.002-05:00

Every single day, I literally ache to have my camera back. It hurts just to think about all of the amazing photo opportunities that I've had in the last 6 months or so, and my camera lays broken, malfunctioning, in it's camera case in the corner of our bedroom. $243.00 away from being fixed. My heart sunk deep down into my stomach when the man at the camera repair store estimated the cost of fixing it.

I just want it back.

Everyday.

Sticks and Stones...

2010-08-11T12:40:00.003-05:00

Recently, something happened that I've spent a lot of time thinking about. And it's made me question some things about myself and the way I think about myself.

In short, some pretty awful things were said about me and I accidentally came across those words. Most of them were ridiculous, almost funny judgements because they were untrue. If I could explain the circumstances, it might be easier to understand. However, there was one sentence that was said and that, combined with something that happened at PACAA, has left me feeling pretty down about myself.

"Aside from not being very pretty...."

Those words stung to read. I know that I'm not beautiful, or even pretty. I know there are things about the way I look that are not ideal and although it may sound vain, if I were given the power, of course I would change them. But I can't.

At PACAA I was waiting in one of the lines in the dining hall. Two guys who were with another camp at K-town were standing behind me in line and made a horrible, nasty comment about me. I don't think they meant for me to hear it, but that also stung so hard for some reason. I lost my appetite, left the line and returned to the dorm.

I find it frustrating to be someone who truly finds some sort of beauty in almost every person, living thing, and non-living thing... and have people be judgemental about the way I look. Shouldn't karma be kicking in at some point? I don't care if people think I'm not pretty, but I don't want to hear it with my own ears.

So, how do I ignore that and still stand looking into a mirror? Because right now I can't look in the mirror without feeling disgusted. I don't want anyone looking at me at all. Which I know is silly, and I've taken enough psych and human development classes to give me knowledge to be able to combat these ridiculous feelings. But still, the self-image part of my brain is winning over the knowledge part of my brain.

And it still hurts to remember those words. And I don't know how to get past it.

LIFE UPDATE!

2010-07-18T16:57:00.007-05:00

Okay, okay. I've procrastinated enough. I now present my uber over-due life update:

My plan for post-graduation in January changed drastically by June... as in, did a total 180. This was a result of a lot of different things, of course... plans change! And I'm learning more and more to just go with the flow and do what feels most right and most logical. As spontaneous as all of this may sound, it's all actually been EXTREMELY well thought out and (probably) over-analyzed at great length. The decisions I have made in the past few months and am making now are the best for me, physically, emotionally and mentally.

I am moving to Boston on August 1st- two weeks from today. I'll be living with H and a friend of her's from high school. We signed a lease on an amazing, adorable apartment in the Brighton area of Boston, which is where Boston College is located. We'll be living on the top floor of a two-story duplex. Our apartment has free laundry (a big deal in Boston, we quickly learned), a BACKYARD for Sydney (!!), a fenced garden to grow whatever we want, a huge back deck with a big grill for our use, and is right down the street from a huge park. We're not far from two different forms of transportation (there's a T stop down the street, and in the other direction, Brighton Square where there's numerous bus stops).

No, I do not have a job yet. I plan on taking a year off before grad school, therefore, I need a job. I've applied for a ridiculous amount of jobs and only got one interview. I found out the other day that I didn't get the job - that's okay - I just need to keep searching and applying. However, it's pretty disheartening to apply over and over again and get no response. Are my experiences working and volunteering really not enough to get me a job in a non-profit organization? Am I that bad of a cover letter writer? Is my college GPA not as high as it could be? Is my resume laid out incorrectly? Am I really under-qualified for every single position on the planet? A million questions run through my head everyday, and my mind races at night as I try to figure out what I am doing wrong and why I haven't found a job and it's been two months since I began applying.

So, that part is still being figured out. If I have to, I can turn to nannying full time, but that really isn't what I want to do at all. Although, the pay is great because no taxes are taken out. If anyone knows anyone with connections to a non-profit in Boston, please let me know!

Moving on... next piece of big news: I'm going to be an aunt! My niece will be born sometime in the beginning of December. I am beyond ecstatic! I cannot wait to have a tiny little ball of chub to hold, kiss, and sing to and I can't wait to finally meet her!

Overall, I am happy, well-fed, and safe. I am a little bit nervous/anxious about moving to a brand new big city, but luckily I have great friends - my friend Dan is driving up there with me and staying for a few days to help get me move in and settled. Another friend is going to be living about 10 minutes away from me, and I'm excited to see her more often. I have a great little inconspicuous map of the city/subway system so hopefully I won't get lost too much. I'm excited to move and make a new home. I'm sad to leave Greensboro...it's been my home for 5 years now. I'm sad to leave my best friend and roommate- Kim... I don't know what I'll do without her. We know each other so well and have gotten used to each other's quirks - she's a great roommate. But, hopefully we'll be able to make our way back down here to visit our friends over the next year.

I think that's about it. I'm going to PACAA this Friday, and I can't wait - I feel like PACAA always grounds me. It's like I spend all year being stressed and losing my focus every now and then.. and then during the summer I always have trouble directing myself in any way. PACAA always seems to ground me, and I usually leave it and 1. Sleep for 10 hours straight, and 2. Feel better about whatever my future plans are. Working with teens just does that to me!

I hope you're all having a safe, fun, and peaceful summer!

10

2010-06-29T19:46:00.002-05:00

Happy 10th Birthday, Liam.

We miss you so much, still. I think of you very often, and wonder what you would be like at ten... I truly have a hard time picturing you past the perfect five year old that you were.

Brave, Strong, and Courageous... I will always, always strive to be just like you.

I love you.

Kristen.

Music

2010-06-28T19:24:00.002-05:00

I've picked up/been introduced to some really sweet music in the last few weeks. Here's a small portion of them, in case any of you are searching for some new tunes!

Noah and the Whale - Blue Skies
Santigold - Lights Out
Vampire Weekend - Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa
Jay Brannan - Bowlegged and Starving
OneRepublic - Good Life
Ingrid Michaelson - You and I
Amos Lee - Sweet Pea
Jens Lekman - Your Arms Around Me
Mike Posner - Cooler Than Me
The Weepies - Gotta Have You
K-OS - I Wish I Knew Natalie Portman
Dan Black feat. Kid Cudi - Symphonies (remix)

Big update coming up soon... lots of exciting news. :-)

Catch Up!

2010-06-20T00:33:00.007-05:00

I know, I know. I'm way behind on updating about actual events in my life. Let's start out with the biggest one...

Yes! I graduated from college! It was a great week - I had a lot of family come down for the ceremonies and celebrations. We had an amazing time, and even though H. had her graduation the same weekend, she was able to make it to my departmental graduation and spend the rest of the day with my family. It was so nice to be able to spend time with her and my family at the same time - they really love her.

Walking across the stage was pretty anti-climactic, actually... the part that meant the most to me was checking my final grades for the semester, seeing my final transcript, and actually being very, very proud of myself - despite being SO close to graduating with honors. (If only I'd studied harder that one semester... etc.)

After graduation, I promptly spent exactly one week sleeping, doing laundry, and resting my brain. I actually read a book for fun for the first time in months. I caught up on lots of blogs and caringbridges. It felt good to be a real human again!!

After that, I went on an adventure to Los Angeles with Dan as a graduation gift!! That story, however, will have to wait for next time, because it's 2:15am and I am leaving tomorrow for Charlotte. Monday we fly out to Boston, and that story will have to wait as well.

Hope you're all enjoying your summer so far!

Way, way too many.

2010-06-18T23:10:00.003-05:00

Ever since Liam was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma, I have been keeping up with other children who are battling Neuroblastoma/other cancers and and their families. At first, it was a good way to learn more about NB, understand treatments, read about new therapies, and express my support through messages and guestbook entries. Soon after I began keeping up with children other than Liam, I learned how attached I became to many of these children, even though I'd never met them or their families. Although I am not as involved in the NB world as I used to be, I continue to learn of new children who are diagnosed and continue to keep up with their treatment progress, triumphs and sadness.

It continues to shock me when I learn that a new child has earned their wings. This morning, Kayla passed peacefully into the next world after her battle with cancer. It continues to break my heart and fuels the fire deep inside of me to help contribute to the FIGHT against pediatric cancer.

Too many sweet children have been lost to this disease. Emma Grace, Stanton, Christi, Erin, Katie, Penelope, Sam, James, Austin, Sydney, Max, Lucas, Eden, Kendall... to name a few - and that's just off the top of my head. Children who I followed closely, prayed for, cried for, wished for...

I've been thinking about Liam a lot lately. On the 29th of this month, he would have been 10 years old. It's absolutely mind blowing to imagine him at age ten. I almost can't do it... to me, he will always have a high-pitched little voice, tiny hands and toes, and still have some of his baby chub (except for when he became so very thin due to his treatments). It makes my heart ache just thinking that he's not here to experience grade school, sports, being a big brother, etc. Just the other night, tears streamed down my cheeks as I realized that my concrete memories of Liam are beginning to fade. I have a collection of memories, and I won't ever forget them... but the details are becoming hazy. It's been 4 years, 8 months, and 2 days since the last time I saw Liam, since he hugged me goodbye. Luckily, I have been blogging since before Liam was diagnosed, so in a special place out in the interwebs, I have a lot of posts about different experiences I shared with Liam. I am very thankful that I have those.

Please keep my dear friend Olivia's little friend Ylaria in your thoughts. Her family received devastating news a few months ago, but made the brave decision to try a new therapy- the one in Vermont. Ylaria's neuroblastoma is progressing, so please, send some prayers her way.

FOOD!!

2010-06-04T10:11:00.005-05:00

I've always been one to enjoy good food... but I had no idea what I was in for!! My girlfriend is an amazing cook - she can just look in the fridge at whatever random items are there and come up with a yummy meal, improvising for what she doesn't have. It's pretty impressive actually, because I usually take one look in the half entry pantry or fridge and assume that I don't have the ingredients to make anything. She knows how to make everything taste better, and even how to make meals much healthier. On my birthday this year, she wasn't supposed to be able to come to Greensboro because of prior work commitments... somehow, she worked it out to not only completely surprise me and be there for the day, but she also cooked an amazing dinner! I am sooo lucky!

This week I drove back down to NC after a totally fun and relaxing last minute vacation with my friend Dan. (I'll update more on that later..) The night that I got here, H. outdid herself and made one of the best meals I've EVER eaten!

Seared tuna steak over avocado with a lime/cilantro/jalapeno/garlic sauce, steamed asparagus with pasta, and an arugula salad with goat cheese, walnuts, beets, and a balsamic/olive oil dressing. Plus, awesome red wine. YUM!

And just when I thought it couldn't get much better than that in the same WEEK, last night H. chose a recipe off of the Old Bay website... (I can't say that I can think of any recipe involving Old Bay that I wouldn't enjoy immensely!)

Shrimp (that had been marinated in beer and Old Bay!) wrapped in bacon, steamed bell peppers and asparagus, plus a great salad that we used my special homemade dressing for. And awesome peach beer!

I am spoiled and lucky.

Done!

2010-05-12T12:53:00.002-05:00

Somehow, by some stroke of luck, the stars aligned perfectly and everything came together at the end. I received my grades for the semester: An A+ in my internship class and a B+ in my independent study (transcribing). I have no idea how it happened, but I'm not asking questions and I'm moving on with my life!

My family is all en route to Greensboro. At the moment, my dad and his parents are going through Durham and my mom, Carlos, Kelsey, Jeff, Poppop and Sydney are somewhere in Virginia. By tonight, everyone will be here.

And tomorrow, I will graduate! Well, tomorrow is the departmental graduation and Friday is the huge commencement with the entire university. I'm more excited for the one tomorrow though, because I'll get to walk across the stage and shake all of my professors' hands.

I can't believe it's here. I can't believe I'm graduating. With the insanity that has been the last month or so, I haven't really had much time to process anything... and just this morning it hit me when I woke up. I am graduating from college. AH!

Dear Zachary

2010-05-09T18:54:00.003-05:00

I saw an article last week online written about the documentary Dear Zachary. I'd never heard of it, and watched the trailer a few days ago. Last night I had an opportunity to watch it. If you have a netflix account, you can steam it instantly on your computer (or you can just add it to your list and have it sent to you).

I have never seen anything in the world like this documentary. Aside from the content, which is mind blowing, the film itself is made in such an amazing manner... it seriously blew me right away. I cried so hard during the movie and afterward that I woke up this morning and my eyes were still puffy and swollen. H and I joked that I needed cucumbers to bring the swelling down. It was that powerful and moving.

Please, do yourself a favor and find a way to see this amazing and heart breaking documentary. Do yourself another favor, and don't read about it too much before you see it. I'm happy that I didn't research it too much... or else I would have found out about the ending. Not knowing gave me the full (yet maddening and heart wrenching) experience throughout the whole documentary.

I would like to say though, that the Bagby Family is absolutely amazing. The pure love that they have for their son and grandson is inspiring and so admirable. There are people in this world who I strive to be like, and the Bagbys have just been added to my list. They are purely astounding.

Mess.

2010-05-05T12:36:00.004-05:00

"It is what it is." When my mom was diagnosed, I had a lot of conversations with a lot of different people, but it was my cousin Meghan's words that stayed with me throughout the Fall of 2008. There was nothing I could do to control the situation, I could only control how I handled it.

When I find myself in a situation that I have little or no control over, I have to remind myself that "it is what it is". Even though I may have had more control over it at some point, even though I COULD have done something differently or SHOULD have done something differently, I didn't. I made my decisions over this semester, and I am now suffering the consequences. It is what it is. I can't go back in time and change anything. And would I even want to?

I think there were a lot of things that factored into the decisions I made early in the semester. I underwent a pretty huge (in my opinion) life change right as the semester started, one that I was not expecting in the least. It took me awhile to reteach myself how to keep my priorities straight and how to manage my time in the best, most logical way possible, while still making my heart happy. It's hard to balance your gut instincts and your brain logic. Aside from that, I am amazed at how I truly did not use any of my time management skills in the first half of this semester. What did I do everyday? I know that rugby did take up a lot of my time, but it was actually mostly because of our late practice times, which then led to me sleeping a lot later than I should have been. And because I did not have set hours for anything this semester, it made it easier for me to say, "Oh well, I'll just go in later and leave later."

I like to think that a good trait of mine is that I don't make excuses for myself. When I make mistakes, I take responsibility for them. Even if I feel ashamed or embarrassed. It's quite possibly the worst feeling ever to have to be accountable for the mistakes you've made.

But the issue still stands. I will complete my hours at my internship just fine. But I have not completed my hours for my independent study. Despite the fact that I have logged in multiple 8 hour transcribing sessions, pulled numerous all-nighters sitting at that computer typing, and gone in to work on things even when I am absolutely exhausted and relying on Red Bull and coffee to get me through... I still will not have my hours completed by the time my grade is due.

So, there are a few things that could happen.

A. I could fail the independent study and be 3 hours short of graduating. (Although I would still walk at graduation).
B. I could receive a grade of "Incomplete" and be allowed to make up the hours after graduation. (Although I would then be considered an "August 2010 graduate")
C. My teacher could give me a grade and trust that I will come in to complete the hours after graduation.
or D. I could just receive a poor grade for not completing the hours.

I guess we will know soon enough. I have until Monday to complete an impossible amount of hours. So, I will complete as much as I possibly can and then deal with whatever the outcome is. It is what it is, and I can't change it now. I can only remember this feeling and shame and guilt in the future, and remember that my actions/lack thereof will always have consequences.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. Though, I hardly deserve it.

Accomplished.

2010-05-01T00:43:00.004-05:00

Today I successfully submitted the one and only assignment that I had the entire semester. My Internship Portfolio was due at 11:59, and I pressed the "submit" button on blackboard at exactly 11:59 on the dot. I don't know if I have ever felt more proud of myself for a school assignment. This portfolio was a reflection/exploration/load of BS at times/evidence of the work I have done all semester at my internship. There were different sections (overview of the organization I was interning at, my specific responsibilities, how I completed the goals that I set for myself at the beginning of the semester, a self evaluation on how I've grown and changed over the course of my internship, plus "artifacts" or proof of all of these, which included photos, certificates of trainings, weekly reflections I wrote, scholarly articles relating to the population of interest that my organization serves, etc.) The entire written portion of the portfolio came out to 29 pages double spaced. I've never written anything so long in my entire life.

I have been stressed out beyond belief these last couple of weeks. I think I've shed tears almost every single day, and not always because I was frustrated/stressed/sad... sometimes it was a tiny thing that just set me off. But I've just been so exhausted... my sleep schedule has been ridiculous, I keep getting sick because my body is angry at me for pulling all nighters and completely thriving off of red bull and coffee all day and night. I model for an 8am class, and after an all-nighter on Tuesday night, I slept through my alarm and the class on Wednesday morning. I feel like lately I've been in a perpetual bad mood, which is unfortunate for those around me. I feel like I haven't seen and really hung out with my friends in weeks. The only real time that I've been getting to spend time with my girlfriend is at the end of the day when one of us is awake enough to drive the 50 minutes across I-40 to the other one (it's usually her), and we sleep (or stay up all night doing our own work), then wake up and return to our normally scheduled insane lives.

However, now that my portfolio is finally finished and turned in, all I have left to do for the next two weeks is complete my hours at my internship (I'm so close!) and finish up transcribing for the research team that I've been working with. I'm past the point of caring about my productivity there, because for the last week it has taken a major backseat to my internship and everything I have needed to get done in order to pass it and graduate.

Graduation is in less than two weeks. For awhile, I felt like this semester was moving too fast and that I wasn't ready to give up being a college student. But now, I am counting down the days until graduation, until I can sleep in, until I can clean my room and do my laundry that has been sitting in the basket for two weeks, until I can clean my car out, until I can welcome Sydney home because I have been so incredibly busy that I had to ask my mom to take care of her for the last month of school because I leave the house sometime between 7:30 and 9am and sometimes don't return until midnight or one or two... or three.

I can't wait to be a real person again.

Fin.

2010-04-25T19:41:00.003-05:00

Hard to believe it's all over. I'll miss my rugby team more than anyone will ever know. They're my family.

An excerpt from the speech I gave today:

" 'WOMEN'S RUGBY!', she said. The rest is history. 1 neon green flyer, 3 coaches, 1 broken nose, over 40 matches, 1 pair of cleats, 1 zulu done in a packed bar, approximately 21 mouthguards, 4 co-captains, 3 amazing littles, 2 ambulance rides, countless socials and parties, over 50 teammates in the course of 10 semesters, and 5 years later... here I am, saying goodbye to the one thing that has defined my college career. To me, graduating from college does not mean leaving UNCG or leaving behind the life of a student. It means leaving my rugby family. As it turned out, I didn't need the NCAA to feel like a college athlete. And I ended up with, in my opinion, the best experience on a sports team that I ever could have hoped for..."

The banquet was absolutely perfect. The seniors were given beautiful flowers, a handmade wood burned UNCG Women's Rugby sign, and the coolest senior gift ever... a "mail bag". The underclassmen had the whole team write letters to each senior, and they gave us each our own mail bag with all of our letters. I read through them during the banquet and cried into my french fries. Haha. I can't believe some of the things people wrote... I am so honored and feel so loved and appreciated.

Life is still insane. Don't expect to hear from me in the next few weeks... graduation is in 2 and a half weeks, and until then I'll be completely swamped! But, I do appreciate the calls/texts/fb messages, even if I haven't been able to respond in a timely matter. :-)

2010-04-14T16:49:00.002-05:00

If only I'd known that the last time I saw my grandmother alive, that I would never be able to hug her or talk to her again. The last time I saw her, we went to Longwood Gardens... it was (I think) January 4th. My mom got tickets for her to see the ice skating show there. Mommom seriously loved herself some ice skating. Whenever it was on tv, she'd have it on in the evenings. That evening, we stuck her in a wheelchair, since walking too much was hard on her heart, and we got the best seats in the arena. We went through all of Longwood Gardens and saw the Christmas flower displays, taking turns pushing her and looking at the lights and the flowers in the hot greenhouses. She was excited when we reached the more tropical flowers, and she told us about the flowers in Florida. I wish I had taken a better photo that day. I just snapped this shot as we were walking... I brought my big camera, and took about a hundred photos of the sights at Longwood. But, I didn't take a photo that of the most beautiful sight that day that I didn't know existed. I'd do anything to see her again.

I can still hear her voice in my head. I'm scared that I'll forget it. Her voice has stuck with me, and not only can I hear it, I know what her voice would be saying in response to anything. She was predictable and comfortable.

I miss her today. I wish to see her again.

TQ

2010-03-26T12:47:00.003-05:00

Spring 2010 TQ Interns

I love how life works out sometimes. I don't know if I believe in fate, but I do believe that most things happen for a reason. This semester has been one of the most stressful, overwhelming that I can remember in a long while, but it's also been extremely insightful, life-changing (I feel like I'm always saying that, but I do often tend to experience and savor life-changing opportunities) and I feel SO LUCKY.

My internship has been a truly phenomenal experience. I never in a million years expected to be working with such an amazing group of individuals - employees and other interns as well. I never expected to be a part of an agency that truly provides outstanding support services to families and children... so much so that TQ is not considered an organization, but a "family". Once you are a part of the family, as an employee, intern, volunteer, client, etc. then you are in it for life! I've never seen such a community based non-profit organization that is so dedicated to helping families and children who are dealing with so many different challenges. It's refreshing to be a part of something that is not based around money, but something much more valuable.

I feel a strong sense of belonging there. And I've become very attached. And I don't want to leave!

The groups of children who I meet with who have incarcerated parents have stolen my heart. I go to four different groups (we go to many elementary schools in Guilford County), and there is one group that is just really special to me. I've really connected with those kids, they trust me, they listen to me. They look up to me. They want to give me cornrows and are always playing with my hair. They give me endless hugs that make me wonder how often they get hugs at home. This past week, one girl asked if I could come play with her at her house this weekend. I have absolutely loved being a part of their lives this semester, and they are so bright, smart, and I have so much hope for their futures... unlike some other people in their lives, I'm sure.

Aside from the fact that I have really meaningful and educational interactions with children every single day, I am incredibly lucky to be working with four other interns, all from my program at my university. We've all had classes with each other for the last few years, so it was easy for us to become close. We spend 20+ hours a week together, and never get tired of it! Sometimes we even leave TQ and all get together for a movie/dinner/going out. I'm really going to miss those girls when we graduate.

So, that's the update on my internship.

Next up, update on the rest of my life!

Quote

2010-03-12T14:55:00.001-05:00

"You give little girls a good coach, decent facilities, a budget and theyll come running to play sports. Theyre the SAME as the BOYS. They have the SAME interests, and they have the SAME ABILITY. All they need is the OPPORTUNITY!" ~Dr. Christine Grant

Mommom

2010-03-05T08:51:00.008-05:00

My grandmother passed away at the age of 83 on Friday, surrounded by our family. In her last minutes, I was hugging H in the airport terminal right before security. I didn't make it home in time.

Her viewing was on Sunday, funeral on Monday. I flew back to North Carolina on Wednesday night.

The first thing my grandfather said after it happened was, "Everyone in this room just lost their best friend."

I'm having the biggest mental block of my life right now, and have no idea what else to write. I guess I've only given facts so far and have avoided going into the feelings attached to them.

I am sad.
I am angry.
I am relieved.
I am proud.
I am disappointed.
I am exhausted.
I am worried.

It's been a long week.

Luckily, Spring Break starts today. I babysit from 12-6, and then back here to finish laundry and pack. I'm going to Florida with H and some of her friends.

Oh take me back to the start...

My grandmother was born in St. Petersburg, FL. How appropriate that I am traveling to that area...

I'm just ready for a mental break.

And I Unfold.

2010-02-25T10:37:00.003-05:00

I have truly put off thinking about what will happen after May 14, 2010. In 88 days I will be a college graduate, I'll be a real adult. How terrifying... up until now, my entire life has been one big plan. Daycare, elementary school, middle school, high school, college... I've been on this path that majority of other white middle class girls have been on their whole lives as well. And now what? I get this piece of paper that proves that I have an education, that I learned something specific.

It's so bizarre that it's finally (almost) over. The future is scary and exciting... but right now, it's more scary than exciting.

Weekend

2010-02-22T23:47:00.000-05:00

I still am kind of in shock that I got to meet THE Olivia this past Friday night!!! She was visiting a friend at Duke, and since I've been spending a good amount of time at Duke recently, it worked out perfectly that I could meet up with her!

Side note: I haven't updated about this until now... but I feel the need to write about this so that my future entries make more sense. I'm dating an amazing girl, H, who plays rugby for Duke. We've known each other for awhile, from playing against each other and socialing together. She makes me very, very happy and I'm incredibly lucky to have her in my life. I'll update more on this later.

So, when I found out that Olivia was coming to Durham, I immediately made plans to get dinner with her! H suggested that we all go to a Kenyan restaurant near Duke, and I was totally pumped to try something new. I've never been to an African restaurant! It was awesome, the food was amazing, but getting to meet Olivia and her friend was even better!! We had some great conversations and I really hope that we get to do it again sometime soon. She is traveling to OH in June for a KCC fundraiser and I may just have to jump on the roadtrip and head out there!

The rest of my weekend was amazing and exhausting. We had two rugby games - we won one and lost one. Here are some photos of me from Saturday:

Passing out of a scrum.

Waiting for the other scrummy's put in.

That's all for now... I hope you all have an amazing week!

Love,
K

Changes.

2010-02-16T23:30:00.016-05:00

Well, I have a lot to update about. There's a lot of big changes happening in my life right now, but I'm only going to talk about one of them right now, because the others deserve my complete attention and happiness, and this one has been on my mind the most for the last few days.

There's no other way to really get into this... One of my best friends is moving far away. Some unexpected circumstances arose in my good friend Suzi's life, and she's moving from NC to NY and then Boston. I found this out on Sunday, and she is moving this Friday.

At first, I was just completely shocked. It didn't really seem real - this girl who I met two weeks into my freshman year of college, who took me under her wing, who taught me everything I know about rugby, who left her position as scrumhalf of the team to me, who left me as captain, who taught me all of the best tricks I know on the field. The same girl who has carried me up the stairs when I got too drunk, went out with me for my 21st birthday, dressed me after I did my zulu, the girl who introduced me to banana fudge milkshakes from Cookout, got into ridiculous shenanigans with, got written up by the campus police with me, went on vacation with me to Baltimore and Chestertown and went crabbing with my family, the girl who asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, who co-captained the Relay for Life with me, the first person I called when Liam died - who dropped everything and drove to campus to pack my bags with Kim so that I could fly home... the girl who I called during the funeral reception and sobbed to out behind my church. The same girl who I've had arguments with and made up and realized our friendship means more to us than disagreeing about something. The same girl who listened every single time I have ever needed to talk, who would drive to wherever I was if I was home alone and needed someone to be there with me, who I have laughed hysterically with a thousand times... the girl who washed out my hair in the bathroom sink at the bar when a teammate threw up on my head, the girl who gave me the confidence to extract myself from unhealthy situations, the girl who went on so many road trips with Kim and I ... cookie avalanches, OH SHIT STAIRS, Bloody Mary's and hottubs...the girl who sent my mom cruise catalogues when she was sick so that she'd have something to look at that was happy, this girl who was thrown into my life just becase my roommate freshman year saw a sign for women's rugby in the bathroom...

She's leaving.

I always thought I'd be the one leaving her behind, once I graduated. And I have been slowly preparing myself for that day to come. This has blown me away. It's starting to feel real.

Tonight Suzi dropped off her cap and gown from when she graduated in Spring '06. I remember the day she graduated so incredibly clearly, I remember taking that photo in the fountain (the same fountain that we both soaped and then got written up by the police my freshman year!) It seems truly fitting that I am going to wear the same cap and gown that she wore all those years ago. Sometimes life is so cyclic.

The past 5 years would not have been the same at all without her.

Finally!

2010-02-09T18:45:00.002-05:00

LAS VEGAS TOMORROW!!

We leave Gboro at noon. Our flight leaves Raleigh at 3:40... We'll get into LV around 9:30.

I CAN'T WAIT!!

I'll post photos when we return :)

Everyone have a great week!!

Progress.

2010-02-08T13:12:00.005-05:00

This morning I did something that was very hard for me. It's not something that I do often, and I avoid it because it makes me uncomfortable. But, I like to think that when we do things that are hard for us, we make the most progress with bettering ourselves and improving our relationships with those around us. I have goals for myself that I slowly work toward. Some may take years, and some are easily completed. But each time that I do something that I know will eventually put me closer to completing a goal, I feel so good about myself afterward, even if it's exhausting or upsetting or just plan difficult.

Things are great here. Rugby has been totally screwed up by the weather, so we have yet to play a game. This Wednesday we leave for Las Vegas (!!) and I am excited beyond belief! I can't wait to have a few days where I have nothing specific to do and to hang out with some of the greatest people in the world! We have a really great group of girls going.

I had a conversation this weekend about how cool it is that all of the women's rugby teams in NC all know each other pretty well and are actually friends. I have met some really great ruggers over the last 5 years, and my team has gone through cycles where we are really close with certain teams. I love that I could go pretty much anywhere in this state and not be far from someone I know through rugby. It makes playing games and going to socials that much more fun! On Saturday night there were four of us that went out - me from UNCG, one from Wake Forest, and two from Duke... all rugby players. Plus, while we were out, we saw another rugger who played for Guilford. How cool is that?

I'm off to my internship (which is still going great!) and then practice. I'll leave you guys with a quote that I've been thinking about today.

"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy." - Walter Anderson

Things!

2010-02-04T10:13:00.002-05:00

Life is exhilarating right now.

My internship is beyond amazing. I feel like I have such a purpose there, and I'm so happy that I chose this place to spend my semester. I don't observe- I do. I work with kids all day long, kids who need extra attention and extra instruction and extra love. Every second that I am there, I feel like I am doing something important and I truly feel like we are changing and improving these kids' lives. This is all I wanted. This is the "bigger picture" that I wrote about all those years ago...

Yesterday, I went into my internship for awhile even though I don't usually go in on Wednesdays. The snow has destroyed my schedule this week and babysitting got canceled for last night. We spent the afternoon making those fleece tie blankets. We make them so that policemen can keep a few in their trunks, so that if they respond to a domestic violence call or something else where they have to pick up an upset child, they have something to wrap around them and make them feel a little better. I love that we do that, just thinking about what those blankets will be used for made making them even more fun.

In 6 days (next Wednesday) the rugby team is traveling to Las Vegas for the International 7s tournament!! I'm so excited, I've never been to Vegas, except for a layover when we went to Idaho a few years ago. We're staying at Hooters (haha. It was the cheapest, closest to the strip, and had a special rate for rugby teams) and we'll be getting in around 9:30 Wednesday night. We don't leave until late Saturday night, we're catching a red-eye back and should land in Raleigh around 9am. There's 6 of us from my team going, and 3 from Duke. UNCG WRFC + Duke WRFC = very fun times. So basically, this is going to be one of the best trips ever.

I'm not even going to write about the "snow storm" we had last weekend. I'm tired of talking about the snow and it just annoyed me... I don't have classes, so the closing didn't affect me, I got really bored in my apartment, I already dealt with an ACTUAL blizzard this year (19 inches, imagine that, NC!) and the snow wrecked my plans for the weekend. I'm not bitter or anything ;-) But, I do have to say, I understand why NC doesn't invest much money into their winter weather equipment, since this only happens once or twice a year. However, they could save themselves a lot of grief if they learned to a.) salt the roads BEFORE the snow comes, b.) not wait until the snow stops to plow the roads, and c.) not use sand to melt the ice sheets on the sidewalks on campus. This is completely ineffective and doesn't melt anything- it just created a slushy sand mess that provides little traction and looks ugly.

*end rant.

I'm happy, I'm content, I'm busy, and my car has a few extra hundred miles on it from the last two weeks. :) I'll probably update again before Vegas... I have a ltlym that I've been working on for a few days....

Spread love,
K

We're a Family... and we're a tree!

2010-02-02T19:05:00.005-05:00

LTLYM #28: Draw your family tree to the best of your ability.

A few things to note about my family tree:

First of all, I accidentally got my grandmother's maiden name wrong. I realized it as it was scanning - my grandmother's maiden name is Lar.rimore, not Plumber. That was her mother's maiden name.

Also, the "x"s represent someone who divorced one of my family members (hence the double slashes, those relationships ended in divorce). I put "x"s not because it's not that those family members didn't mean anything to me, but because for my own family tree, I felt kind of weird putting them on there.. however those "x"s are obviously still important people for their children (my cousins).

So, that's it :)

LTLYM #60

2010-01-31T22:02:00.005-05:00

#60. Write about a news story you have a strong opinion about.

Well, my news story can be found: here. It's an article about how Obama has made some comments about possibly repealing the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy regarding gays in the military.

I can't express how happy it makes me to hear that. I don't know if it will actually happen, but in my opinion, it's absolutely out-of-this-world absurd that this policy even exists.

Let me throw out a little bit of information before I go into my opinion.

The policy prohibits anyone who "demonstrates a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts" because "it would create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability."
On top of that, a national poll conducted in 2008 showed that 75% of Americans have no issue with openly gay people serving in the military. (Including 80% of democrats and 66% of republicans!)
There is evidence that over 65,000 gays are currently serving in the military, and there are over 1,000,000 gay veterans.
So far, since 1994, almost 13,000 gay members of the military have been discharged due to their sexual orientation.
The only 3 countries that are members of NATO who do not allow open gays to serve in the military are the US, China, and Russia. All other TWENTY SIX allow it.

Okay... so with those statistics out of the way, let's talk logic.

Oh wait, there is none. ;) But, okay, seriously-

First of all, I think it's outrageous that anyone with an IQ (or even without?) could think that someone who is gay would jeopardize the "high standards" of morale that the military apparently has. I can think of at least 5 other things that would/do jeopardize those "high standards". Including sexual assault in the military, military torture/interrogation techniques, etc. (Of course, those things are highly accepted in the military community, so they are hard to compare...) But, do openly gay people really pose a higher threat to morale than superior sexual assault, which has been documented time after time again, and these men get off time after time again...

I'm not even going to respond to the phrase "unacceptable risk to the high standards of [...] good order and discipline"... I'm pretty sure this has everything to do with the notion that gays (especially men) are overly sexual, lewd, are constantly "coming on" to everyone around them, etc. Again, all anyone can think about is the sexual act itself.

... So, if 75% of Americans are okay with people being openly gay in the military then why is it still against policy? I have no logical answer for this, except that I'm unsure how reliable these statistics are (it was a poll done by the Boston Globe)... and of course, the beliefs held by the majority of Americans are seldom represented in our laws and policies. However, this touches on a much huger issue than I am ready to get into at midnight on a Sunday ;-)

Basically, the absurdity of the policy still makes me wonder... I know that in the past, certain minority groups have faced ridiculous rules and restrictions. I know that all it took was FAITH that someday things would change and FAITH in the minorities themselves to believe that they had the power to make that change happen.

Sometimes I wish I could give myself fully to every cause that means something to me. But, being the busy college student that I am, it's hard for me to fight for change in everything around me that is meaningful to me. I have two friends, both I've known from separate times in my life, who are gay and in the army. One just returned from serving in Iraq, and the other is currently in Afghanistan. They cannot be obvious on their facebooks, they cannot make comments to other soldiers about their girlfriends (and in one case, partner- they have a child together!), or else they face discharge. These people, thousands of people, put their lives on the line everyday for what they believe in. It might not be what I believe in, but they stand up and are proud to be American soldiers... and just because they are gay, that makes it mean something less? That makes them less brave or less honorable or less hardworking?

I think not.

I applaud every single gay person in the military for having the strength and patience to put up with that discrimination. Their coworkers can receive packages that are obviously from their husbands or wives, while they must hide any cards, incriminating photos, gay-centered newspapers, etc. I can't even begin to tell you how sad and disappointed it makes me.

I truly hope that Obama is able to repeal this ridiculous, discriminatory policy... for the sake of gay members of the military and for the sake of our children and our future.

And some people, dance.

2010-01-31T15:33:00.003-05:00

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. "

- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

The Beginning of the End.

2010-01-25T11:32:00.003-05:00

"You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does..."-Tom Petty

Hard to believe that I've begun my last semester of college. This seemed so far away for so long, and it's truly bittersweet that I am at this point right now. I am excited to graduate and become a part of the "real world". At the same time, I can't imagine any other lifestyle than the one I've been living for the past four and a half years.

It's been an amazing experience. I don't want it to end. All I can do is make the best of my last four months as an undergraduate. Somehow, over the last 5 years, I have learned so much more than my textbooks and professors could teach me.

My internship is going very well... I promise I'll write more about it soon. It's been interesting beyond belief, and I've already made connections that I never dreamed I'd make in the first week. I'm working with an 11 year old boy who's sister has Neuroblastoma, and even just talking to him is teaching me things about myself and life.

Speaking of NB, there are a few people I'd like you to keep in your thoughts. Erik is 24 and has relapsed Neuroblastoma. He has an amazing spirit and way with words... his disease has progressed tremendously. Please hope for minimal pain, continued success with radiation, and lots of more time for Erik to spend with his family and friends. Sam is an adorable little boy who lives in CA... he was diagnosed 8 months after Liam was. Last week they recieved the news that there is liver involvement. Melina is in Vermont for treatment... her scans recently showed progression, however her parents are hopeful that her new treatment plan will be successful.

That's all for now... I'm off to run some errands, stop by my internship, and then attend my very last "first practice of the semester" ... I'm feeling so nostalgiac! Maybe I'll make a photo album of rugby sometime.

Hope you are all well!

Happy

2010-01-19T16:21:00.004-05:00

I'm still alive...

I started my internship today... I promise I'll write an update about it soon. It was amazing. I also had a meeting with the research team I'll be working with... that went great too. I can explain that in better detail at some point.

Today it's 65 and sunny... Kim and I took the dogs for a long walk in the sunshine. We talked about how happy warmer weather makes us. It always puts me in a good mood... especially because it's the first sign of warmth after the temperature being in the teens and twenties up at home for the last month. After the walk, I felt really good (except that for some reason my knee is spazzing out again... ouch.)

I still have a ton to do today... and I'm already exhausted.

But, I am very very happy for a lot of different reasons. Just thought I'd let you all know that. I hope you're all happy too...

Haiti

2010-01-13T23:51:00.003-05:00

By now, we have all heard and read about the devastation that is currently taking place in Haiti due to a 7.0 earthquake that hit around 5pm yesterday. I've been keeping up with the news feeds, and the death toll is expected to reach anywhere from 100,000-500,000.

If you can afford to donate anything, here is the International Response Fund that was set up by The Red Cross. This is a safe way to donate any amount, and know that all of it is going straight toward the relief fund.

I know of a girl in Greensboro who's family is hosting a huge Haiti-Relief Yard Sale this weekend, where all of the proceeds will go toward a relief fund. What a smart idea! I hope everyone continues to be this innovative and creative in their ideas to help.

Sending many prayers tonight to a country that is already underdeveloped and now full of chaos and despair.

Photos from today

2010-01-06T20:13:00.006-05:00

Today Matt, me and another kid who we graduated with - Mo, went to the old Wanamaker's department store in the city of Wilmington to shoot together. The store is abandoned, it shut down probably a decade ago (I have slight memories of when it was open... whenever we rode by it with my grandparents, on our way to a restaurant in the city, I remember my grandmother telling me she bought her coats there...) I got some great shots, but it was FREEZING out! We kept having to take breaks and hop back in the car for a little to warm up our hands enough so that we could press buttons and control our cameras. I don't think I've been that cold in a long, long time! We brought along Matt's sister's dog... who was posing for me perfectly. She has the best ears ever. It was a great day - cold, but really fun and I learned more about my camera from Matt and Mo.

Lately.

2009-12-24T00:22:00.002-05:00

Well, my life has slowed down a considerable amount. My problem now isn't that I don't have the time to write, it's simply that there is just not much to write about. After I got home to Delaware, I slept. A lot. I slept until my body ached to be doing something. And then I knew that I was caught up on my sleep. I spent 3 days recovering from everything... the stress of finals, the going to bed at 2am and waking up at 6am, the long drive... my body and brain needed some serious mending. I feel so much better now, I don't feel so tightly wound and it's easier to smile.

Yesterday I had the most amazing day. I hung out with my friend Matt from high school. We went all over the place - DE, PA, NJ. We went to this amazing little cafe near my house (it's the same one I took you to last year, Kelly, when you stopped in DE!) and I had a fantastic Thai Chicken Sandwich and Edamame, my favorite. After that, we came back and played with Syd for awhile. The rest of the day was spent traveling around, buying Christmas gifts and getting lost in the barren frozen tundra that is South Jersey right now. It was great to catch up and even greater to get out of the house and do something different. I hadn't been that happy in awhile, just riding around with nowhere to be exactly and nothing that really needed to be done.

I am totally pumped for everyone to open their Christmas gifts. I thought very long and hard this year about what to get people. I wish tomorrow was Christmas morning so that I could give my gifts... but I guess I can wait another 36 hours. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I need to finish wrapping, do a few loads of laundry, help my mom when she gets home, dinner at Romeo's as per tradition in our household, and then a Christmas Party that we go to every year hosted by the family of one of Kelsey's good friends. I'm excited, I love Christmas Eve - it's always so full of seeing people happy and catching up and drinking wine and even though I'm 22, I still feel anxious going to sleep on Christmas Eve :-)

I don't know why, but lately I've been really bothered by a lot of things I see. I almost cried yesterday while I was at a red light, watching this woman trudge through the snow on her way to the bus stop. She was carrying bags from a department store - presents perhaps? And she just looked so cold, I just wanted to pull over and offer her a ride, but I never know if that kind of thing would weird someone out. I was in the mall tonight and we were walking by the Santa display, where kids can get their photos taken with the big man. I hesitated for a minute, to watch the photographer try to get the attention of the baby on Santa's lap. The baby was dressed in the most adorable outfit, and his parents were next to the photographer, calling his name and waving at him. And then the man standing next to me said, "Oh, that baby has Down Syndrome". It bothered me - yes, the child had Down Syndrome, but seriously - this adorable child is sitting on Santa's lap, smiling for the camera, and his parents are standing 5 feet away, and is it really necessary to state that? Is it really the first thing you could say? It irked me. I smiled at the baby's dad, and kept walking.

I find myself more and more frustrated with the things that are wrong in this world. So many things are so wrong, and it's amazing how we don't even question it. We are distracted by the media, by our own lives, by the "buzz"... and we don't remember the things that really matter. We are taught that strangers are dangerous. Which, it can't be denied that some strangers are dangerous. But I hate going out in a crowd of people and not being able to relate or talk to anyone around me, just because I don't know any of them personally. Is that weird? I just wish people were more into their communities and thinking about those around them instead of always themselves. Tonight, outside of a kitchen store, a man bumped into a huge rack of door mats. Half of them fell off the rack. He looked at them, and kept walking. I was behind him, so I walked up and picked them all up. Doesn't he realize that someone else would have to clean up his mess? I sometimes long for a more collectivistic society.

Well, it's time for bed... I hope you all have a wonderful holiday, a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year. I'll be floating around the east coast for the next week and a half - Maryland, New Jersey, Vermont, North Carolina... I'll be back in DE on January 3rd, but hopefully I can get a post in before then. Love to you all -

Peaceful *edited

2009-12-16T20:47:00.003-05:00

I took this photo last year while we were decorating the tree. I love my silhouette and the way that Kelsey is outlined in light. It was just lucky that the lights from the tree threw that patch of light on the wall, where I happened to be standing in a perfect spot to be shadowed. I've considered cropping out the kitchen...

I got home today - left NC early this morning and got into Delaware around 2:30. I've been taking it easy today...napping, a little TV. My brain needs a serious break from thinking... so far for grades this semester I have two As and a B+.

Tomorrow my mom turns 50 years old! She has to work for a little bit, then we are going to get our Christmas tree and decorate it. I'm excited, I love going through our ornaments... a lot of them mean a lot to me.

Hope everyone is having a great holiday season!

Here is a better, edited version of that photo:

Thanksgiving Break in 8 photos

2009-12-07T19:34:00.004-05:00

1. My mom and Carlos being silly at the Top of the Hill house.

2. Nothing makes me feel more holiday cheer than that house!

3. A room in the Eyes Gallery, my favorite store on South Street in Philadelphia.

4. Haley's very first Philly cheesesteak - she liked it!

5. Independence Hall at sundown.

6. The Liberty Bell

7. Jack- my cousin's son, and Poppop matched on Thanksgiving :)

8. Kels, me, and Mommom. I wish I had tilted my head up so that my eyes weren't so dark in this photo.

I have a ton of others - Haley took sooo many while we were at my Uncle's for Thanksgiving dinner, but I haven't really had a chance to really go through them yet. So, this is all for now.

Interesting

2009-12-07T02:03:00.003-05:00

Websites that I visit most frequently, by letter:

A: apple.com

B: blogger.com

C: creatinglove.blogspot.com

D: delawareonline.com

E: ebay.com

F: facebook.com

G: google.com

H: hope4peyton.com

I: imdb.com (haha)

J: junumusic.com

K: kristenspad.blogspot.com

L: liamjamekane.com

M: mattlogelin.com

N: npr.org (what can i say, i hate listening to it in the car - i know, i'm a bad liberal- but they do have interesting articles)

O: orbitz.com

P: princeliamthebrave.blogspot.com

Q: none.. guess I don't ever go to any websites starting with "Q".

R: radiopeter.com

S: sporcle.com (BEST WEBSITE EVER!)

T: teamsam.com

U: uncg.edu

V: verizon.com

W: wikipedia.org

X: none.

Y: youtube.com

Z: none.

Interesting.

Thanks for all of your great suggestions on things to do while taking a break from studying...

Vickie - I am working on the puzzle you sent me and so far I have 19 out of 33 solved. I look at it every morning and throughout the day, and it's actually quite relaxing. My roommate, who has a really quick mind and is amazing at solving things like this, has all but 2 figured out. (I was proud to get #30 correct before she did, because she always beats me at things like this!)

Tomorrow is the last day of classes, and then my first and only final is on Wednesday. I could go home after my final (which is early in the morning) but I'm thinking about sticking around Greensboro for a few days... I have a lot of cleaning to do. My room looks like a tornado went through it, and my double bed has been a single bed for awhile because the other side is piled high with stuff. (I don't even know what... books I'm reading, clothes, a hair dryer that I tend to kick every night in my sleep, etc.)

Okay, I have to be at work in 5 hours and 45 minutes. Time for sleep.

Thankful

2009-12-06T01:09:00.004-05:00

Tonight I re-read my mom's old Caringbridge site. I read every single journal entry and every single guestbook entry.

It made me so thankful for her current good health. I don't know what I'd do without my mom and my sister, they are my best friends.

And reading all of the guestbook entries made me realize how incredibly supportive people can be... many of you reading this now left messages, and I just wanted to thank you again for being so supportive during that time. It really meant so much to my family.

I remember being in the waiting room during her surgery to have the tumor removed, tapping my foot and being generally nervous with Kelsey. My friend Megan, who came down to be with us while my mom was in the hospital, taught us how to play Tri-Peaks Solitaire, colored in coloring books with us, and distracted us by talking about anything and everything. That same day, good friends of the family came by the hospital to keep us company and they bought us lunch at the hospital. We had countless meals dropped off by family and friends for weeks.

We were and still are so lucky to have so many amazing people in our lives.

Sanity Schedule

2009-12-02T13:59:00.004-05:00

Everything that is standing between me and the end of my semester (I can't find my planner so this is more for my reference!!)

Today (2nd):

Work 8-10:50

Class 11-1

Babysitting 2-4:30

Thurs (3rd):

CTC Meeting at 11am

Lit Review Meeting at 2:30

Stat exam at 3:30

Class 5-6:15

Friday (4th):

Class 12-1

Babysit 2:30-3:30

Monday (7th):

Work 8-10:50

Class 11-1

Final Draft of Research Paper due

Undergrad Research Meeting at 1

Tuesday (8th)- Reading Day:

Stat Final Exam Review 9-11

Sports Psych Meeting 1:30-2:30

Internship Orientation 3-5

Rugby Banquet at 6 (?)

Wednesday (9th):

Stat exam 8-11am

Due Before End of Finals:

Final Portfolio (due by Dec. 15, 5pm)

African Politics Take Home Final (due by Dec 15, 5pm)

The last two things on the list will hopefully be turned in by the 10th - I plan on getting them done EARLY so that they're not holding me back!!

Any good idea for good 20 minute or so stress relievers? I need to find a way to let my brain zone out when I am taking a break from studying/meetings/craziness... and my brain is getting tired of surfing the web!

302

2009-12-01T00:53:00.003-05:00

Even though this photo is blurry and was taken on a phone, it's one of my favorites from being home last week! (Well, I actually haven't gone through and uploaded the photos from my camera yet... I'll get to that when I find the energy!) If you can't tell, we're holding up the numbers "3-0-2" for Delaware. I love these two so much, and it was so good to see them!

Every time I go home I am reminded of how much I love where I spent the first 18 years of my life. I love the northeast. I miss the northeast desperately. I am happy in Greensboro, don't get me wrong. Some of my best friends live here, and some of the best times of my life have been had here. But a piece of me will always be longing for the "Leaders Zone" as I like to call it (Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey). When I'm driving home, my heart feels like it's going to explode when I am on I-95 crossing over into Delaware - the same feeling I get when the plane begins it's descent into Philadelphia when I fly home.

I hate leaving... I always, always, always get teary-eyed leaving.

I've been making a lot of big decisions lately. I graduate in 6 months, and my lease is up in 7 months. I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I really think that moving back to DE/MD/NJ might be in my future plans. I miss it, I miss it, I miss it. I miss my extended family - I feel like my grandparents are only getting older (which they are) and I feel like my little cousins, each of whom I've held when they were just days old, are becoming so grown up. I love them so much and I really want to be a part of their lives, and I want them to remember me. Right now they are 7, 5, and 3... and I hate leaving them! I want to be a positive role model in their lives forever, I want them to always know how much I love them, and I want to spend more time with them - mainly doing fun things! I've been wanting to take them to the Please Touch Museum in Philly for years... they would love it.

Thanksgiving was great - too much to write about, but the week was awesome. Haley had a great time meeting everyone and seeing everything. We took her into Philly, where she got to see the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall, South Street, etc. She got to try a real cheesesteak... and she got to try scrapple and raw oysters (a huge Thanksgiving tradition for my family). I just wish I could have shown her more - she's never been to NYC, Baltimore, or D.C. - places I grew up going to on field trips and family trips... I would also love to show her more of Chestertown - in the summer though, so we could go out on the river. Plus, Rehoboth and Dewey... I may force her to come to DE next summer to visit...haha.

Things are going to be absolutely insane for the next two weeks, but I'm thinking I can handle it. For now, my to-do list is done and I'm taking it task by task. My last final is on Dec. 9th... but the days are going to be long, busy, and stressful until then. But, it will be so worth it! This is officially my last semester of classes. So... no more studying, exams, research papers, etc. Next semester will be my internship and my undergraduate research opportunity. Woo hooo!

Ready

2009-11-24T12:36:00.002-05:00

Leaving for home in a few hours... should be a fun car ride with Haley and Sydney and good music and snacks. It's going to be a busy week - tomorrow we have to bake like eight pies (and a cobbler, on my insistence) and lunch with the girls... Thursday will be THREE Thanksgiving dinners (gotta love that). I'm just ready to be there and leave everything behind me for now.

So, Happy Thanksgiving to you all- and thanks for all of the kindness lately.

2009-11-22T23:59:00.002-05:00

Have you ever felt like you're drowning, but you're not anywhere near the water? I feel like there's no air here, nothing for me to breath in to effectively to get oxygen to my brain. I try to reach out and grab something, anything, to pull me back up but all that is solid just crumbles. Everything that's solid always disintegrates, that's how it's always been and how it will always be. Terror is beginning to take over my entire body, I can feel it in my fingers and toes. My body aches from treading, it begs me to just let go and drift. People around me are unstable, untrustworthy, un- everything else. My heart is panicking, racing so fast and something other than adrenaline is coursing through my veins. It's fear. And I don't know what to do.

U-N-C-G G G G G G

2009-11-21T20:16:00.003-05:00

Last night was UNCG's first basketball game of the season against Clemson. We lost the game but had a great time at the tailgate, watching the band and the step team (they were amazing!!) and afterwards we headed back to the guys house and hung around for awhile. I didn't stay late because I had to get up early this morning for a charity kickball tournament (we came in 4th... out of 5 teams haha).

The rest of this weekend is going to consist of A LOT of schoolwork... but every minute that passes puts me closer to being HOME! I can't wait until Tuesday.

4 years.

2009-11-19T10:34:00.002-05:00

4 years seems like a lifetime- but my heart still feels the same way it did on this day in 2005.

We miss you so much, Liam.

Mommom

2009-11-18T13:43:00.002-05:00

I am so lucky. I am one of the only people my age that I know who has all four grandparents still alive. Although I didn't grow up in the same town as my grandparents, both sets have always lived about 3 minutes away from each other, and a little over an hour from where I grew up. I was able to see them often - weekends, holidays, weeks in the summer, etc. They were able to come to birthday parties, graduations, weekend visits... some of my very fondest childhood memories involve my grandparents. As I got older, I was able to realize how to appreciate them each in their own way. They are four separate people, with different qualities and quirks. But they do share one common trait - they all love me... a LOT. I'm lucky for that, too.

My Mommom B. (pictured above, with me at Meghan's wedding rehearsal dinner) has always been someone I've looked at with admiration. We all grew up listening to her stories (so often, in fact, that now I could recite a few), eating her cooking (even Shadow Surprise), playing games with her (her favorite is Yahtzee), listening to her recite poems, sing old songs, and recount memories of The Great Depression. But, what I have always loved about my grandmother is that she has always just "known" some things about me (and I am sure her other grandchildren feel similarly). Now that I'm older, we end up having serious discussions and I find myself telling her things I'd never pictured myself telling someone so old. For the last few years, I usually call my Mommom about once a month just to chat. She always answers, and she is always excited to hear from me. Over the course of our usual 15 minute call, she thanks me throughout for calling. And that's what always makes me call the next time.

Our last few phone calls have been mostly talks of her coming down for my graduation in May. I honestly hadn't been so sure that she could have made the trip because I knew she'd been having some heart problems, and she's just getting pretty old (84, I think?) But after talking to my mom, who told me that my grandmother had made it clear to her that she had every intention of coming, I started to consider the fact that maybe she would make it down. For some reason, of all of my grandparents, my Mommom B. has been like a personal cheerleader when it has come to college. Perhaps it's because she is living somewhat vicariously through my academic accomplishments (and those of all of her grandchildren), since she never got to go to nursing school- something she has dreamed about her entire life. So, having her here would have been extremely special. I can even see the look on her face...

Unfortunately, Mommom just received some pretty bad news. I don't know the specific details... just that she is now in congestive heart failure. The way I'm understanding it, one of the valves in her heart is hardly working at all now. The doctors are unable to do surgery to fix the valve, because there is too much risk involve and she wouldn't make it out of surgery. So, what will happen is that the other valves in her heart will continue to work overtime to pump blood throughout her body. Those valves are going to overwork themselves and eventually become tired - too tired to work at all. It will get harder and harder for her heart to circulate blood to the rest of her body. And then, her heart will cease to pump at all.

Of course, upon hearing this, she claimed that she was going to "outsmart these doctors and live to be 100". She "shooed" the doctor who told her that she had probably 6 months to a year to live). If you'd ever met my grandmother, this statement wouldn't surprise you at all. She's outfoxed many illnesses and prognoses: cancer twice, emphysema, etc. I'm happy to report that she has decided to enjoy living the rest of her life. I expect nothing less of her. She is truly the rock of our family, and holds us together tighter than any glue or bond ever could. Our family has seen more than its fair share of trials and struggles, and while she has been ever present during those, she has also given us a huge gift. She has hugged each of us before we have left her house. She has answered each phone call with "Hey baby!" She has given everyone little pieces of herself and her life, whether it be a crocheted afghan, a camera from the 40s, the recipe for "muddin muddin", or a wise piece of advice that we may not have realized the value of until much later.

I cherish these gifts, and I look forward to spending as much time with Mommom as I can in the future. She has lived a truly exceptional life, and will continue to do so for as long as she wants. I love her more today than I ever have before.

11/16

2009-11-16T23:37:00.003-05:00

I received some pretty devastating news today...

So many things are running through my head. Guilt at being away for so long, anger at myself and the situation, but mostly just sadness. Pure, heavy sadness of something I've never fully experienced before. I've felt a lot of emotions lately, but sadness, just plain sadness, hasn't really been one of them.

On top of that, expect a post on Thursday. 4 years, really?

In 7 days I'll be home, where I belong right now.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-16T12:44:00.005-05:00

I found some long-lost photos on my SD card that I'd completely forgotten about from earlier this summer. I love this one of my little cousin Jack, he's such a happy and cute kid. I wish so much that I could live closer to him and his sisters. I love those kids so much.

I'm so ready to go home for Thanksgiving. Today while I was modeling, I ran out of things to think about (seriously...imagine what goes on in the head of a figure model who sits or stands for 3 hours and has to come up with things to think about...the result? I think I end up OVERthinking wayyy too many things in my life!) Anyway, around hour 2, I started thinking about Thanksgiving and who I want to see and how I want this all to play out... if I play my cards right, I'll be able to see everyone I want to see and get to do all of the things I want to do. I'm bringing home my friend Haley because she's from Minnesota and isn't flying home for Thanksgiving. She's not going to know what hit her... when I go home, it's a whirlwind of constant motion, always something to do or someone to see, I try so hard to fit it all in. There's 3 people who it is completely and absolutely necessary that I see (aside from my family) so as long as I fit that in, I'll be happy!!

I'm just ready for a break, ready to see my family, see my friends who I miss so much, and eat some good food and not have to think about schoolwork for a little while.

Work

2009-11-12T14:22:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I just want to pack a duffel bag, grab my pillow and Sydney's bed, and leave all of my stuff behind, leave all of my stress behind, and drive to Vermont, find a tree house cabin, and live there forever.

Because is all of this really worth it? Do I need academic or professional success in order to be fulfilled?

Or is the success of interpersonal relationships enough? Is friendship success enough? Trust? Empathy? Love?

I don't want my life to be defined by work.

And I'm starting to go a little crazy.

11/11

2009-11-11T06:51:00.003-05:00

Happy 2nd Birthday to Maddie...

www.thespohrsaremultiplying.com

Obviously Overwhelmed

2009-11-08T23:07:00.004-05:00

So, I obviously haven't been posting as much lately. It's not because I don't have anything to write about! And that is pretty much the reason I haven't been around lately - there is just so much going on in my life, my blog has taken a back seat (among many other things, including friends, leisure activities, spending time with Sydney, and other things I consider important in my life).

Sometimes I come on here and feel guilty that it's been over a week since I've written anything, and then I think about the four or five things I could update about or have things to say about, and realize I really don't have the time to do it, or that something else more pressing needs to get done while I still have the energy.

Basically, I have never been so exhausted in my entire life. I have never felt so overwhelmed in my entire life. I have never been so busy in my entire life.

I go to something rugby related (practice, board meeting, team meeting, team building) 4 nights a week (Mon-Thurs). I babysit three days a week, and beginning on Wednesday, I will be modeling 2 days a week (at 8am... ugh... but, it's money.) I have countless essays, exams, group projects, papers, research to be done... I am trying to study for the GREs and fill out grad school applications. My room hasn't been cleaned in weeks, and I'm down to my last pair of underwear (TMI? too bad, it's my life).

Sadly, as much as taking a "blog break" has been kind of nice, I'd love to just take a "life break" and have a few days to myself. But, I am in the homestretch. Graduation is in 6 months, and I can see the finish line (it may be off in the distance, but it's there and I can see it!)

I'll end this with some good news. Last week I went in for an interview for a possible internship. It was the first interview that I set up, and our professor suggested applying to 3 different places since internships are so competitive in my major. I went to my interview last Tuesday and was offered the internship on the spot. I can't tell you where I'll be, but I can describe in better detail what I'll be doing for 300+ hours next semester... later. I don't have the energy to type it all out now (I still have a paper to write and a stat quiz to take tonight!) But, something interesting - I will not be interning at a children's hospital, or with a child life department. More on that aspect of my life coming soon...

For now, I'm living the coffee-every-morning, redbull-every-evening, no-time-for-naps, crazy, out of control life of an almost finished undergrad who barely has time to even think, let alone get any personal life things done. I know I promised more phone calls to those of you expecting them, but hopefully you guys know that it's not because I don't want to call. I feel like I'm barely treading water. However, it's the price I pay. So far, all A's this semester and my rugby team is 3rd in the state. Hallelujah for accomplishments that make me feel like this insane life I am living is worth it.

PS. On top of all of that, I am dealing with round 2 of the Swine Flu. So, cough drops, Nyquil, and popsicles have become my best friends.

mes amis

2009-11-01T22:43:00.003-05:00

There are people in my life who I will be forever grateful for. People who would drop everything for me. People who will answer a call or text at 3:30am. People who keep my secrets. People who love me for the person that I am (or at least the person I try to be). People who can look me in the eye and know exactly what I'm thinking. I'm an incredibly lucky person. Some of my closest friends are family members or people I've only known for a few years or friendships that have survived years of distance and us only seeing each other a few times a year.

I just wanted to recognize that. It's so good to have friends, and I am so thankful for the ones that I have. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them. Sometimes I don't even know if I deserve them.

"Sometimes we put up walls, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down."

We're Off!!

2009-10-30T08:22:00.003-05:00

Today the rugby team leaves at 5 to go to the North Carolina State Rugby Tournament! Ironically, it's held in Danville, VA... but lucky for us, that's only about 50 minutes away. We'll play two games tomorrow and one or two games on Sunday.

State Tournament is always a great time- I love seeing all of the other teams... we've gotten to know a lot of the girls from Wake Forest and Duke.

Wish us luck... we have all but two players going so hopefully we do decently!! (and no one ends up like this!) ---

Me and Mariah, go back like...

2009-10-27T22:05:00.004-05:00

My friend Mariah, who I've been friends with since around the age of 11, graduated from UD last May and embarked on an amazing journey to Los Angeles, where she is currently trying to find a job in the crazy world of entertainment. I am so impressed with her bravery - I don't know that I could pick up and move somewhere brand new like that! She's had some pretty awesome experiences AND celebrity run-ins, and she chronicles it all on her blog: True Life: I'm An Adult? Go check it out!! And let her know if you stopped by :)

The Philadelphia Phillies are in the WORLD SERIES again!! I am ecstatic and can't wait for tomorrow night - Game 1 of the series, in NYC. It's Broad St. vs. Broadway!!

LET'S GO PHILS!!

Update

2009-10-19T01:14:00.004-05:00

Jessie, Haley, me, Chelsea. Myrtle Beach Oct. 09

It's October 19th and so far this month, I have only made 3 posts. It's not that I'm too busy to write...frankly, my life is just extremely mundane right now. Every day feels like a cycle. Wake up, go to class, babysit, go to practice, do massive amounts of homework, go to sleep. Wake up and repeat.

I was able to get away for a few days and go to Myrtle Beach with some friends last weekend. It was so nice, the weather was gorgeous - around 90 and sunny every day. This past weekend, my mom, Kelsey, and Carlos came down to visit. They got to see us play Duke on Saturday (we kicked butt... we won 45-20! I scored a try but also sprained my ankle pretty badly.) It was great to see them, but it made me miss home and miss being around my mom. I teared up on and off today while they were driving home.

You might recall that I failed Statistics last semester. Never in my life have I failed a class. My GPA took a hard hit, and I cried when I found out. I am retaking it this semester and studying EXTREMELY hard. I mean, re-reading the textbook over and over, finding extra problems online just to practice, etc. I just took my second exam last Thursday. We got the grades back on Friday... I got a 95. The second highest in the class. I was in shock when I saw it... because that meant I only got 1 question wrong on the exam. So far my exam scores in that class are both As... hopefully I can keep it up!

The weather has become unbearably cold here. The weather we're experiencing in NC now is usually how it feels in January, not October. NC is known for it's looong drawn out summer. Usually it's cooling off a little by now, but definitely not in the 40s! However, the high for Tues - Thurs of this week are supposed to be 74, 76, and 75... we'll see. I hope so, I could go for a few more days of shorts and no winter coat!

The Phillies blasted the Dodgers tonight, 11-0. I have a feeling it's going to be a Yankees/Phillies World Series. Lindsey - who would you root for!?

I should get some sleep. To everyone who reads this who I haven't called back in days or weeks, I'm sorry!! I promise phone calls soon... I love you all!

PS. 3 songs to download:

Michael Franti & Spearhead - Say Hey (good for dancing in the car)

Antje Duvekot - Merry Go Round (stunning lyrics, beautiful melody)

John Mayer - Free Fallin' (An interesting twist on a favorite song of mine)

Two things

2009-10-16T00:31:00.003-05:00

1. The Phillies are in the NLCS!! Watching the game tonight was crazy... it was so up and down. We won 8-6, but we need to play a little more solid in my opinion. But, a win is a win!

2. TOMORROW my mom and Kels and Carlos will arive in Greensboro!!!! I can't wait to see them!! I'm so excited, and they'll get to see a rugby game because we're playing Duke University on Saturday.

"Inside all of us is a wild thing"

2009-10-12T01:46:00.004-05:00

This preview gave me the chills when I saw it over the summer. I absolutely cannot wait to see this!!

What about the GOLD?

2009-10-05T22:39:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I get exasperated with the general public.

It's hard for me to understand how someone can be shown the injustice of something, and not care enough to try to change it or do something about it. Tonight I was on Facebook and noticed that there were pink ribbons everywhere. There are applications where people give pink ribbons, there are pink ribbons that you can give as gifts (the only color ribbon available for gifts). Yesterday much of the NFL was sporting pink sweatbands or shoe laces in honor of the month. So far since last Thursday, I've counted FIFTY-TWO pink ribbons on food products, on bags, on the sides of buses, and on websites.

I know and understand that pretty much everyone has known someone that has had Breast Cancer, and that fewer people have known someone with Pediatric Cancer. I also want to make it clear that I also support Breast Cancer Awareness. My grandmother beat Breast Cancer, and a member of my family is currently battling it. I support them, and all of the people I've known (which, when I just counted offhand, was 14) who have had the disease.

However, it still makes me angry that October completely overshadows September before it even gets there! It's not like Pediatric Cancer Awareness Month has to follow Breast Cancer Awareness Month and deal with the "leftover Pink-ness" ... no, people just get so excited for October that they start decorating/raising awareness early.

But. What about the kids? What about the ones who have cancer who are also trying to get through second grade, sixth grade, high school? What about the infants who don't understand anything except for the pain? What about the toddlers who have spent almost as many days in the hospital as they have out of it? What about the parents who not only have to worry about their child in the present day, but worry about the later side effects of treatment, such as hearing loss, infertility, and secondary cancers - IF their child even survives?

I'm not trying to compare Pediatric Cancer to Breast Cancer or say that either one is more important than the other. However, it makes me angry-sad-frustrated when Pediatric Cancer gets so little "coverage" and Breast Cancer gets so incredibly much. Why is it so lop-sided?

One answer might be the number of diagnoses. It is estimated that every year, 10,700 children will be diagnosed with a form of pediatric cancer. It is estimated that over 192,000 women will be diagnosed with Breast Cancer each year (ACS). That's almost 20 times the amount of Breast Cancer cases as Ped. Cancer cases.

But, does that mean it should overshadow these kids' fights? Does it mean any less attention should be paid to the fact that these children are being given (some) therapies that haven't been updated in decades? Does it mean any less attention should be paid to the fact that Pediatric Cancer research is funded almost as much by grassroots efforts and private donations as it is from money from our government? Does it mean these kids deserve the attention any less, just because they are a smaller group?

No. In my opinion, it does not.

Am I just crazy?

Happy 500th.

2009-10-01T09:14:00.003-05:00

This is my 500th posting to One Safe Place. In a little over a month, I will have had this blog for 3 full years.

I can't believe it's October 1st...the semester is a third of the way over. I think I don't really realize it because of the 4 classes I'm taking, 3 of them don't have exams, just papers and assignments. The weather here is perfect to me - jeans weather, but not sweater weather.

I just finished a book I picked up a few weeks ago. Columbine by Dave Cullen is a comprehensive look at what happened at Columbine High School on April 20, 1999... What could have been done better, how it could have (or never could have) been prevented, myths that still exist today about certain things that happened (for example, there was a Trench Coat Mafia... but the two killers were never in it. They were also rarely picked on by "the jocks"... in fact, they did most of the picking themselves.) The book was extremely informative, and actually helped me to look at the event from a sociological perspective.

October 1st may bring Pediatric Cancer Awareness Month to a close, but it doesn't mean we have to slow down our efforts!! This Sunday, I will be holding a lanyard workshop for my rugby team. We are also planning an Alex's Lemonade Stand for later in the month. Just yesterday I went to throw out some old Freeze-Ice popsicles in the freezer and noticed on the box that there was a gold ribbon and "Pediatric Cancer" written underneath... it's the first time I've ever seen a gold ribbon on a food product!

Carry On...

2009-09-30T00:34:00.003-05:00

I want to share something that I found a few months ago that made my heart race. As some of you may remember, a girl who I knew when I was younger was murdered last June. I thought of her today, and Googled her name to see if I could find more information about the court case that is currently proceeding (they caught the man who killed her just days after the murder). J.G. was a selfless, kind, intelligent, and faithful girl. She was home alone when this monster came into her home, brutally murdered her, and left with her car. I didn't find any new news articles or information about the court case, but what I did find stunned me.

Julie had an online journal all through high school. It was well hidden, except I think she didn't realize that she posted her full name once in one of the entries. This led me (and probably countless others) to find it.

Her words literally left me breathless.

This is one of her entries from 2004, the year she graduated from high school. I bolded the paragraph that brings so many tears to my eyes, every single time I read it. How can someone with so much love in their heart be put through something so incredibly horrendous? It. breaks. my. heart. ...

Life happens- like it or not. And sometimes it's hard to admit who you really are. Some people never do. I guess some people just don't want to, but I guess if you don't know who you are, it would be hard to admit to anything.

Travel through life where you will- meet people, love people, lose people, travel through life. I hope that in all things you do, one day you are able to find who you are and admit it, even more importantly, i hope you are able to find God. But maybe you don't believe in God... after all, all I can offer you is words and maybe that won't lead you to a relationship with God. But I pray, that if you are reading this now, you find something to believe in.

I have this faith that all things work out in time. Friendships mend, hate dissolves, people mature and one day you might look back and never believe that there was a time in your life when you weren't friends with someone or when you hated someone or you thought someone was immature. However, some friendships don't succeed, some hate remains, truly some people never mature. And well, those people aren't worth it.

One thing that makes me sad is when I realize how much unhappiness and hatefulness and meanness exist. It makes me sad even when it doesn't involve me. It makes me so mad because I have seen the opposite- love. I've realized that love is so powerful. And if you are still reading this... I mean, for some reason if you haven't fallen asleep or X-ed this little box out yet, there is a reason- there is something I want you to know. I am going to love. I am not going to stop loving. You can be mean to me, you can hurt me on purpose or maybe it's not your fault, maybe circumstances got in the way or maybe you are mean to people that I love, you can keep doing it. I am going to love you anyway. The best part is... this is not an attack, this is a proclaimation of love. I will love even if it hurts. I have a faith that in the end, this love will be returned to me and to all people who love with all of their hearts.

Sadly, some people never will.

I have a faith that I see in you. I see it in you even when I don't see you. And maybe that's hard for you to understand- maybe that scares you. It should. But as for me, I'm in love and I'm not going to apologize for it. I'm in love with my friends and I'm in love with life and I'm in love with my cheesy style of writing and I'm in love with good movies and music and art and if you're reading this still, I'm in love with you- no matter who you are. I have love in my heart for you. This weekend has made me realize to keep loving and keep having faith, and if I do God will provide for my every need. He knows my path, and I trust His judgement. I have faith He will lead me to you.

with love,
julie

Pepper in some fun and support a worthy cause!

2009-09-29T00:40:00.003-05:00

Check out the UNCG Women's Rugby blog... I wanted to update about tonight, but after updating the Rugby blog, I figured it was pretty much all the same words. :)

Photo Post.

2009-09-27T14:38:00.002-05:00

PHOTOS.

1. I love elephants

2. Me, Haley, and Kim with the Chancellor!!

3. Kim Haley and me at the men's game Friday night. We had way too much fun!

4. The Chancellor puts on a jersey after every Alumni match and gets in the group photos. I love that she does that! She's so cool!

5. Me and my little, Caroline.

Alumni Weekend was great - too much to actually type out. I felt like I was going, going, going for about 48 hours straight. Today I'm relaxing and catching up on the mountain of homework that I need to do for this week. Plus, I still haven't been able to watch Grey's Anatomy from last week... it's waiting for me on my DVR list...

LTLYM #70

2009-09-23T12:55:00.003-05:00

#70: Say Goodbye.

Goodbye insecurities.
Goodbye being lazy when I know I have things I need to do.
Goodbye dwelling on the past.
Goodbye summer.
Goodbye blaming myself.
Goodbye making others happy before I make myself happy.
Goodbye friends who don't appreciate me for who I am.
Goodbye anxiety
Goodbye Tivas, sorry I ruined your soles by wearing you so much!
Goodbye invisible walls I've built to protect myself.
therefore, Goodbye security.
Goodbye having my cell phone attached to my hand at all times.
Goodbye holding back because I'm scared to fail.
Goodbye to all of my belongings that I don't want to hang on to, but feel the need to because the material things make me feel closer to the people I love who are not physically close to me.

UNCG WRFC

2009-09-22T10:34:00.001-05:00

"In our country, true teams rarely exist . . . social barriers and personal ambitions have reduced athletes to dissolute cliques or individuals thrown together for mutual profit . . . Yet these rugby players, with their muddied, cracked bodies, are struggling to hold onto a sense of humanity that we in America have lost and are unlikely to regain. The game may only be to move a ball forward on a dirt field, but the task can be accomplished with an unshackled joy and its memories will be a permanent delight. The women and men who play on that rugby field are more alive than too many of us will ever be. The foolish emptiness we think we perceive in their existence is only our own." ~Victor Cahn

New Look

2009-09-21T14:11:00.002-05:00

I toyed around a little with the layout of the blog... Honestly, my eyes were starting to feel a little strained from reading the white font on a black background. This feels a little cheerier, as well.

I'm going to work on the image at the top as well... I really, really need Photoshop back. Christmas, anyone?

I wish I knew more about html coding and website designing...these blogger templates just don't really cut it anymore.

Stick around, more changes (not huge ones, though) to come...

Question of the day: If you were given the opportunity to be born again in any other country in the world, which would you choose and why?

You can call us women who like it rough

2009-09-20T12:37:00.003-05:00

Kelsey, Kristen, Hannah, Caroline ... Family :)

Our first game of the season went great!! We beat Guil.ford 19-0. We scored 3 tries and made two of our conversion kicks (5x3 + 2x2). Our outside center scored twice, and I scored once off a 5 meter scrum. It was actually a great play - we were at the 50 (center of the field) and the ball popped out of a ruck. I kicked it all the way down the field and their full back was chasing it and went to pick it up (basically in their try zone) and dropped it forward. That's a knock-on, so we got the ball. We won the scrum and my 8 man (who is my co-captain, Haley) picked the ball and went weak. I followed and she got tackled, went down and I picked up the ball, stiff armed through one girl and scored.

Before the game, we had a team meeting and the rookies were "inducted" into the club. Basically, all of the veteran players get a "little sister" who they watch out for, make sure they're okay and understanding everything, and really just make them feel a part of our team and our family. We make wooden letters for them (yeah, sorority sounding, I know..) and it's a big deal. The photo I posted is of my little sister from last semester (who's name ironically, is Kelsey), me, and the two new littles I gained this semester - Hannah and Caroline. They're great rookies and they both played extremely hard yesterday. I'm proud of them!!

Last night was fun, after the game both teams got together and Guilford hosted a pretty sweet social. Kelly and I got "Man of the Match" and that made me happy because I worked my butt off on the field, and my position, scrumhalf, isn't exactly a glory position. Then we got hungry so we went back to our rugby house, ordered pizza and had a blast there for a few hours. It felt so good to climb into bed last night.

I'm so proud of my team!! We played our hearts out and our rookies are learning quick. I have a feeling this is going to be a great semester!

SATURDAY'S A RUGBY DAY!

2009-09-19T09:03:00.003-05:00

Today is the first game of the season. We're playing Guil.ford at 3 on their pitch. We are bringing an entire backup side - we haven't had this many girls since I was a rookie back in 2005! Last night the team got together at my apartment to watch the Penn State/Stanford Women's Championship game from last June. It was a great game, and Penn State kicked Stanford's butt. I think (hope) the rookies got a lot out of actually getting to watch a game. I remember the first time I watched a game (before I played in one) and everything made so much more sense.

I have a really good feeling about today, and I am really looking forward to playing with all of the new girls and having a great time afterwards!

(CT...never forgotten.)

Sigh.

2009-09-16T13:53:00.001-05:00

I'm too busy for real words, but this pretty much sums up the last week or so.

September Playlist

2009-09-15T09:30:00.003-05:00

My life has been revolving around good music lately. I carry my iPod everywhere I go, and listen to good tunes in the car or while walking to class. I listen to them on my computer when I'm cleaning my room or doing homework. I'm pretty much listening to music all the time. So, I though I'd share my "September" playlist. I can't guarantee you'll love any of these songs, but I do! Lucky for me, I have awesome friends and before school started I got 2 mixes, both of which I can't stop listening to. Some of those songs are on my list.

1. Hello, I'm in Delaware (City and Colour)

2. If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out (Cat Stevens)

3. Scar (Missy Higgins)

4. Why I Am (Dave Matthews Band)

5. Instant Pleasure (Rufus Wainwright)

6. The Story (Brandi Carlile)

7. A Change is Gonna Come (Ben Sollee)

8. The Boxer (Simon & Garfunkel)

9. Jesus, etc. (Wilco)

10. Emaline (Ben Folds)

11. Galway Girl (Mundy & Sharon Shannon)

12. Everybody Knows (John Legend)

13. Ingrid Bergman (Billy Bragg & Wilco)

14. Homebird (Foy Vance)

And, of course, my old pal Julia Nunes. I love this song and this version!

Weekend Review

2009-09-13T11:20:00.003-05:00

This weekend, I felt like a freshman in college again. On Friday Kim and I went to get lunch together and ended up grabbing a case of beer on the way home and playing the Wii for the afternoon. On Friday night, one of my teammates, Melissa, was celebrating her birthday, so we went to the party. It was funny to be some of the oldest people there, but it was a great time and we all had fun. The night actually ended pretty badly, but I won't get into that here. I need to remember to start paying attention to all of the people I am responsible for. One of my friends made a bad decision and while it was her responsibility that night, I still feel somewhat to blame for not realizing.

Yesterday was a really fun day. I started out the day getting my car from the night before and taking Em to pick up her newly checked out XTerra. Then, Suzi Kim and I went and got lunch and went to the men's game - there are 3 rugby teams in Greensboro. The 2 teams at UNCG (Men and Women) and then the Club team in Greensboro that a lot of the men play on once they graduate from college. That team, Triad, had their first game yesterday and Suzi's husband Elliott plays for them. It was a very close game, but they lost by one point. Afterwards we went to bar that sponsors their rugby club for a social and enjoyed singing, drinks and some cornhole. (If you don't know what cornhole is, you should check it out. It's the best bar/tailgating game in the entire world!)

We left the bar around 7 and went to another party until around midnight, then back to the bar... I know, I know... how did I stay awake for all of this!? I have no clue, but we were having a great time and we took a cab home.

Today, I'm definitely feeling it... Kim and I are sitting in our dark living room watching the Eagles/Panthers football game. I have some reading to do, a stat quiz I need to take online, and my first stat exam is Tuesday so I'm going to start studying. I also need to finish cleaning my room- it's a wreck!

Interview

2009-09-10T09:20:00.004-05:00

On Sunday, right before I boarded my flight back to NC, my friend Sara texted me and asked if she could interview me for a class. She had to interview "someone who has stories to tell". I didn't quite know how to interpret that! I was curious as to what kinds of stories she wanted to hear. I told her I'd do it, and we set up a time to meet. The next day she told me she was thinking it would be great if I could talk about Liam. Sara was my roommate freshman year, so she heard all about Liam, followed his website for news, and was with me on November 19th when my mom called... So for this project she had to record someone talking for 20-30 minutes, telling one story. I went home and made a timeline of Liam's dx, treatment, relapse, relapse therapies, etc. I also related that back to myself and added into the timeline when I went to college, when I did fundraisers, etc.

The interview itself was interesting - Sara brought her laptop and we sat in a study room at the library. She looked away from me and took notes, so that I wouldn't get nervous. I stared at my knees and just started talking, sometimes referring to my notes. I talked for around 25 minutes. As I was talking, I started remembering little things that have been tucked in the back of my mind about my times with Liam. I laughed as I talked about some of the funny things he used to do, and held back tears when I spoke about the harder parts.

It was pretty cool, and I was honored that Sara wanted to interview me about Liam. The finished product should be interesting - I might be able to find a way to share it here. It makes me so happy when my friends remember/mention Liam.

I said, "Liam make a T-Rex Face!"

THE WEDDING!

2009-09-07T12:01:00.011-05:00

Meghan and Ray's wedding was stunning. There are so many moments that I just want to freeze in my memory, so that I never forget them. My face hurts from smiling so hard all weekend long. Meg looked absolutely gorgeous, and I know that a lot of brides look very pretty, but to me, she looked beyond pretty. Her dress was perfect, her hair was beautiful. I never, ever want to forget the moment that she opened the bathroom door in that bedroom and came out- everyone was speechless for a moment, and then it was "Oh you look so beautiful!" and "Meg, its perfect!" ... but I couldn't even say a word. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I was so incredibly "stunned-happy" in that moment, because I could tell Meghan felt excited and happy.

The wedding itself is something I feel that I can't even describe fully. There is no way to put into words how incredible the entire event was. The ceremony was perfect and the reception was a blast - great band, lots and LOTS of dancing, watching a gorgeous sunset, seeing lots of people I know, spending time with my family, watching Meghan dance with Ray... Both the ceremony and reception were outside, on a property right on the river in Chestertown. It was so classy and beautiful, and the sunset made for a gorgeous backdrop all during the ceremony and the beginning of the reception.

I read a poem during the ceremony. I read "I Carry Your Heart With Me" by e.e. cummings.

The only thing I could have wished for that night was that Meghan's dad could have been there. At

one point, a good friend of Scott's had just twirled Meghan around on the dance floor, and she was laughing and smiling... afterwards, he was talking with my mom and I. He said, "I just wish Scott could have been here to be a part of this." My mom said, "Well, he would have danced with Meghan exactly like you did!" And he said, "He was dancing with her, you just couldn't see him..." I teared up, got a knot in my throat and had to walk away to collect myself.

Kelsey and I after the ceremony

I love this! Me, my mom, and Kels.

Me and my cousin, Coulby... she was one of the flower girls.

Coolest cupcakes I have EVER SEEN! Those crabs were amazing!

Most of my family :)

I made a point to put down my camera a lot during the day of the wedding - I find myself behind the shutter so much sometimes that I miss what's happening in real life. I don't want to see everything happen behind a lens... and I'm starting to learn that. There was a photographer there, and I trust that she got some great shots. I'm just so glad I wasn't stressing about getting the best angles and lighting and all that... it was so nice to relax and watch everything unfold so perfectly.

It was a fabulous weekend, and I am so happy for Meghan and Ray!!

Whatever a sun will always sing is you

2009-09-03T09:50:00.002-05:00

Today I'm flying back home for my cousin Meghan's wedding this weekend. I am so, so, SOO excited for this! I had to get my dress altered, and I picked it up this morning and tried it on - it looks great. Kim lent me a dress for the rehearsal/dinner and shoes...she's awesome. I'm reading a poem during the ceremony - it's a poem that I loooove by e.e. cummings.

I can't believe Meghan is actually getting married... it's something we've talked about for so many years - our weddings - and I just can't believe hers is actually happening. I am so, so happy for her and her fiance, Ray. They're going to have an amazing life together.

Okay, I have homework in all 4 of my classes that I have to do before I leave, plus I need to finish packing. I need to finish this all so I have some time to chill out before I drive to the airport because I get so anxious to fly, especially when I'm flying home for something exciting :)

Take Action!

2009-09-01T09:32:00.014-05:00

September is Pediatric Cancer Awareness Month!!

Here are some cool ways to support:

Wear a gold ribbon!!

Participate in the 2009 Parkway Run/Walk at CHOP. If you can't participate, you can donate to Team Liam . The Kanes will be heading Team Liam again this year and I would do anything to be there!! CHOP provided Liam with some great opportunities and therapies for fighting Neuroblastoma, and they need help to find a cure!

This Thursday, September 3rd, is Andrew McDonough B+ Day on Concord Pike (202) in Wilmington!! If you print out this paper and bring it to any of the retailers/restaurants listed, they will donate a portion of their proceeds to the Andrew McDonough B+ Foundation.

Order an Erin's Dream Lanyard. Your donation will benefit the Children's Neuroblastoma Cancer Foundation, and receiving one of those lanyards in the mail is just about the most exciting thing that's happened to me all year! They make great gifts, too! Or even better yet - consider having a lanyard workshop! It's easy (I know, I know... I made it sound stressful, but that was with 130 teenagers!) Yours can be a group of friends, teammates, sorority sisters (hint, hint!) etc. Contact Vickie (Erin's Mom) if you are considering having a workshop to create lanyards!

There are countless ways to show your support - I could list 20 amazing Pediatric Cancer causes, but no matter what you do - from wearing a ribbon to donating money to sending words of encouragement to a family who has a child with cancer - be proactive, know that you CAN make a difference even when it seems daunting, and choose a verb - my verb for the month is TAKE ACTION!

"We don't have to wait for destiny, we should be the change that we want to see."

Dogfish Head

2009-08-31T07:05:00.002-05:00

Last night I got a text from Rachel- this photo was attached. There are two things I really love about this pic (which was snapped on Rachel's cell phone, hence the graininess). The first is that I'm with Rachel, and the second is that we're at Dogfish Head Restaurant in Rehoboth! Dogfish Head is a brewey located in Milton, DE and they come up with some pretty interesting and tasty ales. My friend Dan suggested that I take Rach there, since she's becoming a beer connoisseur and loves tasting different beers from breweries all over. That day we got an amazing appetizer and enjoyed a glass of Midas Touch, which is a great mead-like beer. I recommend Dogfish Head, located on Rehoboth Ave, to anyone visiting the Delaware beaches!!

Last Friday night I went out downtown with a bunch of friends for Kim's birthday. We went to this great little place formerly known as The Press (I can never remember it's new name!). I checked their beer list, because they usually have some pretty obscure choices, and sure enough- Dogfish Head was listed. I ordered their Festina Peche, which was listed under "Sour Beers" ... they weren't lying! It was tart, but I loved it... it was different, and the after taste was as if I had just bitten into a juicy peach. Yum!

The Luckiest

2009-08-30T17:08:00.007-05:00

"I know exactly what happened. But can you speak those sentences to the people you love? That question continues to haunt me. After telling the hard facts to anyone from lover to friend, I have changed in their eyes. Often it is awe or admiration, sometimes it is repulsion, once or twice it has been fury hurled directly at me for reasons I remain unsure of. [...] No one call pull you back from anywhere. You save yourself or you remain unsaved." -Alice Sebold, author of Lucky.

Start of Semester Update

2009-08-25T20:21:00.003-05:00

I've started this post about five times since I've returned to NC, but I never get past the second sentence before an overwhelming rush of exhaustion takes over! I am so tired! Aside from the fact that last weekend was extremely tiring, emotionally and physically, the drive here really put my sleeping patterns out of whack! I downed so much red bull during the drive that when I finally got here and felt exhausted, I couldn't fall asleep for hours because I was so caffeinated! Then yesterday was the first day of classes, fall kick-off (where all of the clubs set up tables to recruit - we had a rugby table), plus it was SO HOT out. BUT, even though I am exhausted, I am happy to be back and pretty much loving my classes! My schedule is perfect, and my classes are really interesting. I'm taking:

-African Political Systems (looove this class and the professor!)

-Research Methods in Human Development and Family Studies (ehh..not the most interesting class, but I have a lot of friends in it from my major, plus the professor is really nice and funny.)

-Statistics (do I even need to comment on that? ew.)

-Professional Development in Human Development and Family Studies (a.k.a. Preparing for Your Internship. I am so excited for this class...it's making it all "REAL"!!)

I'm excited that I'm only taking 12 credit hours... that means I'm going to have a lot more time to focus on my classwork, especially because I am going to have a LOT of work to do. This semester is going to be HARD but it's going to pay off in a big way, I think.

Practices start Monday for rugby... I can't wait to get into the groove of practices and games. Our first game is September 19 - less than a month away! We have so much work to do!

Spread Love,

Kristen

You who are my home

2009-08-21T11:59:00.004-05:00

The lanyards went out in the mail today!

Well, today is my last day in Delaware. Tomorrow morning I'll get in my packed car with Sydney and drive 8 hours to Greensboro. I'm so torn about going back - this always happens to me! I'm excited to see Kim and my friends, excited to be in my own home again with all of my OWN stuff, start rugby practices, and enjoy my last year of college. On the other hand, I'm so sad to leave my mom - that's the absolute worst thing about going back...she's my best friend. I also have had the most amazing week since I got back from the beach. Every single day I've been hanging out with friends who I don't want to leave...

On top of that, I've been dealing with the most ridiculous situation regarding my financial aid and tuition payment status. It's so hard to be the middle man- and in more ways than one. I don't understand why it has to be so difficult. It's not the people at financial aid, it's just the process. My friend Dan recently said it well when he said that he feels "beaurocratically abused". I understand that everything has to be very official, but does it need to be to the point where it's impossible to accomplish a simple task (such as signing up for classes) in one day?

I can't believe I have one year of college left before I'm a "real" adult. I'm taking the GRE's next month, and soon after I'll begin applying to graduate schools. This spring I'll be doing an internship at Bren. ner Children's Hospital with the Child Life Department... it's so crazy how life just flies by.

I'll update when I get back to Greensboro and get settled in. I'm hoping to leave tomorrow around 7am, which would put me there around 2 or 3, depending on traffic. Good thing I have some good music to listen to in the car!

Erin Dream Lanyards - The PACAA Edition!

2009-08-16T13:00:00.011-05:00

Since I got home late Friday night from 2 weeks of vacation that started the day after PACAA, I've been able to truly catch up on my sleep and literally just lay on the couch without any plans. It's been kind of nice, and also has given me some time to collect lanyard photos (do you KNOW how many photos these kids take at PACAA, and how many photo albums they have on facebook!? Back in my leaders days, we used disposable cameras and there was no way to share them online!).

I would say that our Erin Dream Lanyard endeavor was a huge success!! The night itself was full of glitches, as most special events at PACAA are, however we ran things as smoothly as we possibly could. One of our biggest issues was the time constraint. By the third group that came through, we were smoothly churning out finished lanyards, but the first two groups that went through (which equals about 40 teens) didn't get to finish their lanyards because we were still working out the kinks. I am so thankful for my co-staff members who were down in that basement with me, sweating to death and attempting to direct traffic, dispense beads, tape ends of wire, organize finished lanyards so that they wouldn't get tangled, and pat my shoulder every once in awhile and say, "Kristen, breathe!" It was an amazing night, and I am so incredibly proud of those kids and the interest they showed in Erin, her fight against Neuroblastoma, and her fundraising efforts.

The night had a few touching moments as well. There was one group who's explanation got cut short when the demo lanyard I was holding slipped from my hand (I was holding the tape, and my hands were sweating so the tape just slide right off) and all the beads went EVERYWHERE. As about 5 leaders helped me pick up the beads, I asked if there were any questions, just to fill the time it was taking to find the beads. One boy asked, "Is Erin Dead?" I had carefully explained to all of the other groups that Erin had passed away in April, but I hadn't reached that part in my speech yet and his purely innocent and honest question caught me off guard, especially because I was flustered from dropping a lanyard in front of 40 leaders and 8 staff members. I answered, "Yes, Erin passed away in April. She fought her cancer for so many years and her body got very tired." I watched the boy who asked the question stare at the ground for a few minutes, and the two boys on either side of him patted him on the back. Later on, the three of them sat in the corner making lanyards and actually talking about pediatric cancer, and who they'd ever known that had cancer. It was a great moment for me, and really made me feel like I had made the right decision, to make Erin Dream Lanyards at PACAA. It was a lot of work, and I may have overestimated exactly how many we could make and how smoothly it would run, but I had two ultimate goals in doing it: 1. To help Erin's family stock up on plenty of lanyards. and 2. To show these teens that they can do something as small as putting beads on wire to be sold, and that can change the world. I tried to stress how incredibly important it is to raise money for Neuroblastoma research and family support, because it is a rare cancer and not enough attention is paid to pediatric cancer, let alone NB.

Unfortunately, because of the confusion, I needed the staff members who came through to help with organizing, so they didn't get to make lanyards - although a some of them did make them later in the week when we had some free time. This also cut down on our total number made, however, it was more important at the time for them to be helping me help the kids make them!

Numbers from the night:

316 = dollars worth of beads

170 = wire starts

160 = styrofoam trays

5 = staff members running/helping the station (Me, Tim, Dan B., Rachel, and Meaghan)

122 = teen leaders

6 = groups of teens

48 = finished lanyards

50 = unfinished lanyards

2 = number of times I teared up during the event

2 = number of times a lanyard was accidentally mishandled and beads rushed to the floor

3 = number of times someone connected on their own that Erin had the same cancer as Liam

Here are a few sneak peaks of some of the finished lanyards! (click to enlarge)

Box of leftover beads and unfinished Lanyards:

I've been working on those unfinished lanyards on and off for the last few weeks. It's actually pretty relaxing to just put on some music and string away. I also find it kind of interesting to see these unfinished lanyards, because I have to try to figure out where that particular teen was going with the order of the beads. Some of the lanyards are absolutely gorgeous, some are more manly, and some are kind of random. I saw so many boys making beautiful lanyards - which totally took me by surprise. I also saw some girls helping the guys pick out what would be great. One of my favorite quotes from the night was: Boy: "I don't know what colors to go with" Girl: "Choose colors that you think your mom would like" Boy: "Well, she doesn't have a favorite color" Girl: "Then make it green, since that was Erin's favorite color" ... I just liked that because it proved that they were actually listening when I was talking! :-)

So that's pretty much it! I was excited to discover a few days ago that there is a new facebook group for Erin Dream Lanyards, so I'm going to direct our leaders to that website, since an incredible number of them are on facebook. I also have a few people who took some unfinished lanyards with them, and they have them done now, so those will be coming in the mail soon.

All in all, the night was great, many lanyards were made/almost finished/started, and hopefully all of those leaders felt like they were doing something meaningful and amazing, because they were!

End of Summer !!??

2009-08-12T16:37:00.003-05:00

Summer dies and swells rise

The sun goes down in my eyes

See this rolling wave

Darkly coming

To take me

Home.

Those are lyrics from a great song I rediscovered today. The summer is coming to an end, especially for college students, who will be starting up in the next couple of weeks... I'll be driving back to North Carolina probably next Wednesday. I'm still on vacation, until Saturday. I am so incredibly lucky because the last 3 weeks have been me being at a combination of my three favorite places on earth. PACAA, Dewey/Rehoboth Beach, and anywhere with my close friends. The beach has been absolutely wonderful. This week I'm staying with my dad and his family, which is a totally different experience than being at the beach with my mom. It's been great that Kels and I have been together during this week, because we always do better when we're there with each other.

I still owe you all a Lanyard update, and it's coming, I promise!! I just need to be home long enough to actually put my thoughts together, plus I stole about a million photos off of facebook and they're saved on my laptop and I'm on my mom's now. So that will happen...promise. :-)

It's back to the beach for a few more days, then some annual frantic packing and organizing. I can't believe summer is almost over- it truly feels as though it JUST started!

Sending love out to all... even my lurkers who don't leave comments!

Mid Vacation

2009-08-08T14:15:00.006-05:00

I have been relaxing at the beach for the past week with my sister, my mom, her boyfriend, his three teenage sons and their friends. It's been interesting! I've never spent so much time with 6 teenage boys...it's lots of farting, gross jokes, and random tackling. It's been fun! We've been going canoeing and fishing - something I love to do, especially because the beach every day can get kind of repetitive.

I don't have any photos so far from this week, but I do have a few that are from the last few weeks. First photo: some of my very best friends. Second: Me and Mariah at the beach before we went out! Third: Amazing sunset at the Phillies game in the beginning of July.

Life has been good... I have another week at the beach, this time with my dad's family. It should be another great time. I don't think I'll have internet there, so you probably won't hear from me for awhile.

Hope all is well with everyone!

Processing PAC..AA

2009-08-02T20:14:00.006-05:00

PAC..AA 43 was phenomenal. It was a bit of an adjustment, and I could write for days about what we did this week. However, I'm still in the "processing" stage, whereby most of us go home, try to catch up on sleep, think about all of the things we barely had the time or energy to think about while we were at PAC..AA, and attempting to catch up on all of the emails, calls, and anything else that we missed. As a leader (before I made staff in 04), it was always so hard for me to go home after PA..CAA because, well I wasn't there anymore and it was my favorite place in the universe, and also because all of the sudden, I was just shoved back into the real world. In PAC..AA world, we can 100% be ourselves. We can have a good cry about something and then forget about it ten minutes later, because we are laughing so hard at something else. Boys can be sensitive, color lines are erased, and people cheer just as loudly for each person in the talent show. We can believe in our abilities. Someone who may think they are different from everyone else may come to the realization by the end of the week that we are truly all the same inside.

Now, as a staff member, it's my job to provide that experience to all of the leaders who come through our program. Leaders completely changed my life many years ago, and I feel as though I owe it to the program to return each year and do for these teens what many staff members did for me when I was a leader. It's exhausting, stressful, and very hard... but it's probably the most worthwhile thing that I do with my life right now. It's the most rewarding experience I've ever had.

The photo that I posted is my Values Group. These groups are made up of about 8-12 leaders who are all the same age. Mine had 3 staff members and 8 leaders. We meet once or twice a day during the week and do activities and have discussions based around issues that they might be dealing with at their age. My group was made up of 16 and 17 year olds who were going into 11th grade. It was fun because by now, they teens are old enough to talk about things like peer pressure, relationships, and substances... they're also old enough now that they may have been to a few PAC..AA's, so they are ready to get right down with discussions and not hold back. I absolutely loved my Values Group this year, these kids were so into it, and so open and honest. I was blown away by some of our conversations, and what they were willing to share. I'm so proud of them, and I honestly do miss seeing them every day!

I'm saving a post about Erin Lanyards until I get some photos- because I was too busy that night to take any! Thankfully, things like facebook make it easy for me to get photos from anything at PAC..AA!

I'm exhausted, and we're going to the beach tomorrow so I should really get some more sleep. I have lots more to say, but it's going to have to wait!!

PACAA Day!!

2009-07-24T07:53:00.005-05:00

Tonight at 9pm at Kutztown University, PACAA will officially begin for staff members!! Of course, I haven't started packing yet - my plan is to do laundry all morning (I have one more load to do) and then pack before I meet my dad for lunch...Or at least start packing! I have a lot to remember.

Action shot of me at PACAA 40, my last year on Jr. Staff (2006). I'm making the dedication board (the theme that year was "Forever Young", so the dedication board was made to look like a light bright, and the pieces of paper that the teens used to make dedications were brightly colored circles, made to look like the pegs of a lightbright!)

Everything is set and ready to go for the teens to make Erin Dream Lanyards. I'm a little anxious, mostly about whether or not they will have enough time to complete them, but yesterday I made a few just to see how it would go and I don't think the teens will have a problem. The hardest part for me was just picking out the colors I wanted and what beads, the selection is so huge and they are all so pretty! I love that we are doing this, and I can't wait to see the lanyards that the teens produce. Also, I love this photo of Erin in action:

This week, we will CREATE and SERVE our community in honor of Erin!!!

A side note: if you've been reading my blog for awhile, you probably know that I have a serious issue with eczema that pops up and decides to throw me a curve ball every once in awhile. Last weekend was a lot of fun, however I think that one of either two things made me break out horribly: swimming in the Chesapeake Bay, OR enjoying the hot tub at the beach. By Wednesday, I was fully broken out and the eczema/rash took it's worst form - covering my stomach and back. OUCH. I was able to talk the dermatologist into squeezing me in yesterday for a visit. I knew I had to go on medicine before I got to PACAA or else I would go absolutely insane while I'm there. (We don't get much sleep as staff members, and when we DO have the opportunity to sleep, we really have to get some so that we have enough energy to give these teens the best week of their summer.) Luckily, the doc prescribed me a 10 day step down steroid pack, some antibiotics, and two different steroid creams. Hopefully this will give me some relief... the night before last I didn't fall asleep until 6am because of the itching, and that was after taking 3 benadryls and an oatmeal bath. I eventually fell asleep by laying a cold, wet towel on the floor in the bathroom and covering myself with another cold, wet towel. So pitiful! I started the steroids yesterday, and they are already starting to work, so that's a really great sign!!

I'll probably update once at PACAA, since we will have wireless... no promises though, it's going to be a busy week!!!

Lightning Speed

2009-07-21T17:39:00.002-05:00

It's been awhile since I've written. The last week has kind of moved at lightning speed! I worked Thursday through Saturday, and then Saturday night I went to MD to see Rachel at her bay house, attend a family crab feast, and also attend the last night of Andy's - a great bar in C'town that unfortunately was closing. I did all of this in 24 hours! Then, I got home from Maryland around 5 on Sunday and left around 7:30 for Dewey Beach! Some friends from high school and I went for a few days, and it was a great time... we did a lot of relaxing on the beach, having great convos, and drinking in the hot tub :-)

Now, it's Tuesday and PACAA is 3 days away...hard to believe! I'm getting very excited and have started making lists of things I need to remember, things I need to do before I get there, etc. It's a stressful week, but it's soo worth it - the teens have such an amazing time, and I know that from experience.

I feel as though life is going to be moving pretty fast for the next few weeks or so. Friday I leave for PACAA, and then return and leave 2 days later for a week at the beach with my mom and Carlos. Then I come home, do some laundry, and go straight back to Dewey for a week at the beach with my dad and his family. I'm really excited for vacation, but it's going to be pretty nuts!

Organize and Excite!

2009-07-15T18:22:00.010-05:00

I just got off the phone with Erin's mom and my excitement is continuing to build for what I am arranging to happen at PACAA this year. I mentioned a few weeks ago that the special event that the senior staff is organizing for the leaders will consist of a bunch of different stations for the leaders to do small community service projects. I originally wanted to do something for ALSF, however I couldn't figure out what we could do aside from having an actual lemonade stand (which would be hard for 125 teens to participate in all at once!) After thinking it through and considering my options, I asked Vickie if she thought it would be possible for our leaders to make ERIN LANYARDS! I can only imagine what was running through Vickie's head when she read that email! With less than 4 weeks notice, she was faced with organizing a lanyard making workshop halfway across the country, for 160 people! Thankfully, she was totally game for helping with my crazy idea, and our leaders will officially be making Erin Dream Lanyards at PACAA!

Here are some examples of beautiful lanyards that were all sold back in March. (I ordered number 36, and I'm saving it until I do my internship in Jan. at Brenner Children's Hosp. where I will have an ID badge!)

I am so incredibly excited to be able to do this! We will make the lanyards, and I will have them shipped back to Vickie in Texas. From there, the lanyards will be sold through various means and 100% of the profits will go to the Children's Neuroblastoma Cancer Foundation. I'm excited for the leaders to get involved with something like this... (although it was 4, 5 years ago, some of them remember Liam and his fight against NB, and many of the Leaders Clubs did fundraisers for him). Think about how each of them is (hopefully) going to feel like they are making a difference. Someone is going to buy their beaded lanyard and make a donation to the CNCF. And it's all in honor of this beautiful, zestful, ACTION-PACKED girl!

Wow.

2009-07-14T09:33:00.004-05:00

It's weird how even though I don't start work until Thursday, I have been running around non-stop since I got home. I realized that I've been home for almost 3 weeks, and have only hung out with my friend Mer once. It's like, everyday there is something I need to do, somewhere I need to go, or someone I promised I'd do something with.

In a little bit, I'm going to get a shower, clean out my car, and pick up Dan so we can head to NJ to visit Rachel. She recently had surgery on a torn ACL, so hopefully we can keep her company/play some games/help her not to go crazy since she's laid up for so long. It should be a fun time.

Today marks 3 years since the passing of one of my sister's best friends, Christine. I just can't believe it's been this long. I often think about the last time that I saw her, which was about 3 weeks before she got into a car accident. I helped her load her bags into her trunk in front of the Y and she gave me a big hug. That's how I like to remember Christine.

This was her mom's facebook status when I woke up this morning: Her joy is with us ALWAYS. Keep it alive. Talk, share, remember. We are forever changed by having spent time with her... and so very blessed. She lives in our hearts.

Another Blast from the Past...

2009-07-11T14:23:00.006-05:00

I spent a lot of time this morning going through old journal entries and posts that I made to my LJ years and years ago (Gosh, has this much time truly passed?) After reading those old entries, I went back and looked at a lot of old photos I have on my computer. All of these photos are mostly from my senior year and the summer before college. Has it really been FOUR years since then? It's amazing, really. Things change so much. A few entries ago, I wrote about how it's hard to accept the fact that something that was once great will never be as great again. I was wondering if it's worth it to have something if it will never be the same again. I've decided that it's worth it. It's worth it to have the memories.

Striking

2009-07-10T12:33:00.001-05:00

Kim's new shoes... her others got chewed by Sydney in a fit of anxiousness. :(

Phils for the win!

2009-07-09T23:38:00.003-05:00

We went to the Phillies game tonight - what a great game! It was very up and down, but it was clear that the Phils were going to pull off a W. They did win 9-6, and after the game we witnessed the most breathtaking fireworks display. I do love some good fireworks! They went on for about 40 minutes, and the finale was just incredible! 3 fireworks shows in one week...am I spoiled or what?

Tomorrow night my friend Dan and I are going to a concert in Philly. Jay Brannan is playing- I hadn't heard about him until a few weeks ago when Dan introduced me to his music. I'm super excited to hear him, he has a lot of original stuff and also a few covers. I haven't been to a good concert in months! Here is a video of him covering Ani DiFranco's "Both Hands" (another artist/song that I love!) My favorite song by him is called "Half-Boyfriend" ... you should go download it - legally!

My Sister's Keeper

2009-07-07T22:59:00.002-05:00

I went to see My Sister's Keeper tonight. I've been kind of picky about who I would go see it with, I knew it had to be someone who wouldn't care if I cried. My friend Meredith from high school is back in DE for awhile, so we went together. I read the book a few years ago (and re-read it last month in anticipation of seeing the movie), so I knew the basic story line. Of course, I cried, however, most of my tears were not because of the actual movie or story line.

There is a moment in the movie where Kate, the 14 year old with leukemia, is in her hospital bed, and her mother, played by Cameron Diaz, is laying with her, sobbing and they are just holding each other. The part that really got me is that, after that scene was shot, Cameron Diaz probably got up, grabbed a bottle of water and went to read lines for her next scene. The fact that she has never had to be the mother of a child with cancer just hit me in a way that made me upset. At first, I was so happy that this book was being made into a movie- I loved the book when I read it, even though I was reading it at a very hard time (Right around the time that Liam took a turn for the worse, and passed away a few days before Thanksgiving 2005). However, watching that scene, it almost made me want to stand up and scream, "Does she even know what it's like?!?" I cannot say that I myself know what it is like to have a child with cancer, but the fact that Cameron Diaz has no idea at all is what struck me as odd and sad.

I guess it's a hard topic. I was not even related to Liam, however, I watched as he went through chemo treatments, trials, radiation, surgeries... Liam's fight was not as long as some others, but it was brave all the same. I do not pretend that I could ever know what it is like to lose a child, sibling, grandparent, or parent to cancer. But, Liam was someone who I loved, someone who I was close to, and even though we were not related by blood, my sister and I shared a very special bond with Liam as his babysitters.

I guess I'm just trying to say that even though it upset me to think about Cameron Diaz not ever really knowing - maybe she does, in a way. Maybe she's lost someone important in her life to cancer, and that is enough to make her appreciate her role. Even though the girl who played Kate will grow her hair back with no problem and her "bruises" were scrubbed away with body wash, perhaps she knows what it's like too.

Time to get some sleep, I have a lot to do tomorrow. I'm missing Liam a lot tonight.

Change Happens

2009-07-06T11:50:00.006-05:00

The theme this year for PACAA is "Change Happens". I have always been bothered by change, as most people are, I think. When things don't change, we get comfortable and stop thinking, "What if this changed, would it be better?" We generally don't change things in order for things to get worse, of course. However, I have come to learn that change is necessary in our lives... even if it is sometimes for the worse. Or, sometimes things change (or we change them) and even though it is hard beyond belief at first, we know that it is for the best in the end, and slowly, the hardness dissipates and melts into a new "way" that gets easier with each breath.

Sometimes I wonder whether it is worth it to have the amazing things in life, if you know that you will not always have them. Is it worth it to spend one fantastic summer working somewhere with people who have become some of your best friends, doing something that you absolutely loved, if every consecutive summer since, you ache to be there?

...

I'm getting really excited for PACAA. It's hard to believe that this is my 9th PACAA... my 4th on Staff. While looking through old photos that I scanned awhile back, I found this little gem:

This is me at my 2nd PACAA - I was only 14, and so tiny!!

I also really like this photo:

This was the end of PACAA at my first one on Jr. Staff (2005). We are sitting in the Jr. Staff circle...I'm on the left, Rachel is in the middle, and Meaghan is on the end. I don't know why we look so nervous- we had already made Jr. Staff, and still had another year on it.

.....

This was the next year. PACAA 40 - my last PACAA on Jr. Staff. When we leave Jr. Staff, we call up a new member, and let them take our spot in the circle. I was lucky enough to have my sister, Kelsey, make it the year I was leaving Jr. Staff (you can only be on it for 2 years). So, I was able to call her name.

....

So sorry to have dragged you down memory lane with me!

4th of July

2009-07-05T17:10:00.003-05:00

I had an amazing 4th of July weekend! I don't have any photos yet, because I left my camera cord in NC, so my roommate is sending it up to me.

I got into town on Thursday afternoon, and spent it with my 3 favorite children- Coulby, Emma, and Jack. When Kim and I went to the zoo a few weeks ago (see photo) -

we stopped in the gift shop and even though I am broke as anything, I couldn't help but buy these cute pink horses for Coulby and Emma- I knew they would love them. So we played with them, they swam in their pool, and we ran around in the backyard until bedtime. I realized how much I miss summertime as a kid - running around the yard barefoot, catching fireflies and eating popsicles on the back step. We are so lucky :)

Friday I saw lots of family, and on Friday night there were fireworks in Rock Hall. They always do them on the 3rd and it's the biggest night of the year in that tiny town. We went out on my uncle's boat to watch them, and tons of my family were there. Afterwards we headed over to the bar and hung around until the band stopped and we were tired. We also wanted to conserve energy for Saturday- the best day of the year, in my opinion!!

Saturday we slept in, and then went to my Uncle's house back in Rock Hall for a big cookout/crab feast. The food was amazing and everyone was there- we left around 3 and went back to Chestertown to get everything ready to go out on the boat. After slipping into our suits and packing the cooler, we hopped in the boat and cruised around the river, picking up my cousin Kate and her boyfriend, and meeting up with some of Meg's friends. We stayed out on the boat pretty much all day, except when we stopped back for some pizza, and we anchored out to watch the fireworks show, which was completely astounding. The fireworks were so big, and so loud and beautiful... if you know me well, you know that July 4th is my favorite holiday of the year, because even though I hate loud noises, I LOVE fireworks! We were so close that we had to look almost straight up to see them, and ashes and embers were flying into the water about 20 feet in front of us at some points. Amazing...

Today we woke up, watched Shark Tale, and then made an amazing lunch - Pasta with meat sauce (Turkey...it was so good!) and garlic bread. Then I drove to Middletown, picked up my mom, and we came back home. Soon, Kels will get here - she took care of Sydney this weekend for me. I'm excited to hear about how it went.

I hope everyone had a safe and awesome holiday weekend!!